Your Own Kids

Somebody said something to me the other day that really, really hurt me.

I was with a friend, and she asked me what I'm sure she thought was a really innocent question.

"So do you and Dave ever want to have your own kids?"

It's not the first time I've ever heard this.  And she is not the only one to have said it.  But unless you are an adoptive mother, you just have no idea how much this comment hurts.  Or what it implies.

It's like nails on a chalkboard.  It's a sinking feeling in my stomach.  And I cannot even begin to answer what I think she meant because I'm too busy deciding if I should embarrass her by correcting her.

I didn't correct her.  And I wish I would have.

She doesn't know that by saying "your own kids" she is implying that Kingston and Kyrie are not my own.  That I'm raising somebody else's kids.  And can you imagine if Kingston and Kyrie were in the room? Or just a little older and able to understand those implications?

I have heard the comment before about adoption.  "Oh, I could never raise somebody else's kids.  I just couldn't do it."  

Kingston and Kyrie are MY sons.  My own sons.  I may not have carried them, or birthed them.  But I prayed for them long before conception.  Before I even knew their birth country.  Before I knew that they would be boys.  Or twins.  Or brown.  And I prayed for them, and ached for them, and yearned to hold them in my arms just like their birth mom did.  I filled out more paperwork than you've ever seen.  Had more things notarized than I care to remember.  Overnighted documents, flew across the world, and experienced love at first sight.  Twice.  In a row.

I may not be their first mom.  And I'll never replace her.  I don't want to.  Or need to for them to be my own.  They're my own because I'm their mommy.  Their mama.  The one they run to when they get hurt.  The one they reach for when they need to snuggle.  They one they look up at, pucker up to, and smooch.  I'm the one who rubs vicks on their feet.  Deep conditions their hair.  Wipes their faces, and noses, and bottoms.  Combs and braids their sweet curls.  Sings lullabies at night.  I'm the one that tickles, and chases, plays legos and trains, and dances with them in the kitchen.

I'm their real mom and they are my own babies.


So there is your answer.

Single Momming it

This weekend I was a single mom.

Sort of.

David was in Memphis since Friday morning, and only returned home last night at midnight.  And even now, at 7:45pm he is at school for parent teacher conferences.

So I've missed him like crazy, been on my own with my two boys, and had to "Spring back" and lose an hour of precious sleep.  All by myself.

Oh - and it was my birthday.

Are you feeling sad for me yet?

Well don't.  I'm tired and whiny, but really, it was a great weekend.  (Sorry babe - as great as it can be without you there, that is.)

On Friday I just enjoyed a lovely evening with my boys, and caught up on some Millionaire Matchmaker on the DVR.

Then on Saturday, my friend took me out for a birthday pedicure while the boys napped.  AND she even got her husband to hang at my house with their kids while the boys slept.  What a sacrifice!!  Thank you Tami and Jens :)

In the evening my bestie brought her family and some delicious dinner over to my house.  The kids ran wild and had a blast, and I didn't have to cook!  After dinner, Alisha's kids went home with with their dad and she and I got to spend some much needed quality time talking about girly things and mom stuff. It was heavenly for this mama's mind and soul.

Then on Sunday, my actual birthday, I spent the whole day with the two sweetest gentlemen out there.  They took me window shopping, and had a lovely breakfast with me.  We watched a movie together.  Which consisted of them sitting with me for about 7 minutes, then getting down to play, then throwing a beautiful fit when I turned the movie off.  It was rather entertaining to hear Kyrie crying of the injustice over something he wasn't even watching.

Then, because Kyrie knew it was my birthday, he didn't want to leave me alone and decided to skip his nap altogether.  So thoughtful and horrific at the same time :)  And while the schedule is DONE when nap time is skipped, my sweet boy let me rock him for EVER.  Which was pure heaven for this birthday girl.   My boys are growing up so fast and they're always on the go.  I don't feel like I get to just rock them and whisper sweet lovies to them very often.  And he did the most amazing thing.  When I adjusted my arms around him, he grabbed my hand as quick as he could and pulled it tighter around him.  Like he didn't ever want me to let him go.

Melt my heart into a puddle.

Oh, and I "instagrammed" like cray cray.  So here are the highlights...

Kyrie looking cool. 

My amazing breakfast I made the boys.  Apple cinnamon waffles. Yum-fest.

A snuggly Kingston. 

Cool kids in colored skinny jeans.  

Brothers at breakfast warming my heart. 

The text pic I sent Dave after telling him Kyrie was choosing to nix his nap.  

Sweet Kyrie boy trying to lick the raindrops.  Have you ever seen anything cuter than this?
Also... he looks 5.   STOP GROWING CHILD!!!

Brothers playing so well together.  

Birthday dinner at Red Robin with my three dates: Kingston, Kyrie and Grandpa. 

Thanks for a great weekend Kingston and Kyrie.  And welcome home my sweet boyfriend.  I missed you more than you know!

I think 31 is going to be a good year :)

Scary Movies

I watch a lot of weird stuff on TV.

A lot of make believe stuff that I know could never happen in real life, and it's no big deal.

Harry Potter - I'm all over it.  Don't believe in witchcraft and wizardry.  But LOVE the books and movies.

Twighlight - Um, yes.  Read and watched them.  Not at all afraid of vampires.

Because they are not real.


You know what else isn't real?

Zombies.

They're not real.  I know this.  They are so ridiculous its almost silly.  They are so unbelievable with their weird noisy breathing, and outstretched arms, and unnatural slow walking.

But they scare me more than any other thing.  I watched 28 days later and lost my mind.  I couldn't handle it but HAD to watch it to the end.  It was torture.

And don't even talk to me about I am Legend.  The scene with the dog?  KILLS me!  Heartbreaking.  Scary.  Awful.

And a while back David made me watch the first episode of The Walking Dead.  A couple friends told him it was really good, and he wanted to try it out.  We were on Christmas break and needed something to watch after the little men went to bed, so I said okay.  I figured if its on TV, it can't be too scary.

But I was wrong.

The whole episode I was up out of my seat, walking to the kitchen, plugging my ears and shutting my eyes tight.  I can't stand to watch it, but I have to know everyone is okay.

So then I'm nauseous, and tense, and scared and its time for bed.

I'm hoping episodes of Gossip Girl can get my mind off the nonsense I put myself through.  

Best Friends

Kingston is an amazing sleeper.  Every mom's dream in the sleep department.  At bed time or nap time, I just lay him in his crib and cover him with a blanket.  He needs 2-7 pacis in his hand and one in his mouth, and hes good.  He smiles as I stroke his face and babbles himself to sleep.

And then he sleeps.   A good three hours at nap time and 12 hours at night.

That is - unless his bestie wakes him up.

Kyrie is a good sleeper.  Not amazing.  Not horrible.  But good.  He won't lay down when I put him in his crib.  He stands.  He throws everything out of his crib except his taggie blanket.  He's been that way since forever.  Although oddly enough the last few days he has wanted blankets in with him.  And he stays standing after I kiss him and leave the room.

And then he sleeps, but not for as long.  He wakes up much earlier than Kingston.  Around 6ish.  And his naps are only for about 2 hours, sometimes less.

But the best is when he wakes up.  I sneak in the room to try to get Kyrie out before he wakes up his brother.  The second he sees me open the door he is reaching across the room to the other crib and yelling, "BROTHER! BROTHER!"  Only hes not even 2 so it sounds more like, "BUH-BOO!  BUH-BOO!"

So I grab him and quick get out of the room.

And he cries all the way down the stairs because we had to leave his best friend behind.

As much as he wants to get out of bed, he wants his brother too.  Its so sweet and precious.

I thank God every day that these precious boys have each other.  They've experienced a lot of loss in their sweet, short lives.  But they'll always have each other.  They'll always have their brother.  Their best friend.

And I love that.

Falling

I've fallen off the face of the blog world a little bit, and most likely this post will not be the beginning of something beautiful.  I wish that it was... but you know what?

I am a mom.

Of twins.

That works full time.

And as much as I love to write on this little blog, and as often as I think of witty topic ideas, I just don't get around to doing it.

If the boys are up, I'm playing with them, or feeding them, or doing other mom stuff.  Computers and my children do not go hand in hand unless we are watching the ABCs or train videos on youtube.

So that leaves me with nap time or after bed time.  But I'm either doing schoolwork, cleaning (um, thats a lie) or lounging around doing nothing.  Tired from chasing silly boys and pretending to clean things up.

But here is a little update on my handsomes in a nutshell - to hopefully tide you over until next time.

Kyrie talks all the time.  He points out stars, balls, dogs, says buh-bye, and a million other things.  We went to great wolf lodge last weekend, and on day two he wouldn't let me put him down, and said, "buh-bye, all done" over and over again.  The boy knows what he wants.  And he wanted to go home.  I had to take him to the doctor for a nasty rash one time, and the doctor told me he thinks Kyrie is advanced.

No really, that is what he said.  And I'm his mom, so I'm bragging about it.

Kingston is such a lover.  He snuggles up all the time.  He is a boy of routine.  Before bed or naptime he rounds up about 4 or 5 pacifiers and gives one to Kyrie.  The other 4 are for him.  He likes to play outside in the winter, but I have to hold him the whole time.  He doesn't want to be put down in the snow.  And he eats everything I put in front of him.  Any time he gets put in the car seat he does the plank thing and laughs his head off.  Its.  Awesome.  He started saying "No No" but he does it so funny!  He points his finger at you and says it (hmm.. no idea where he learned that...).  The other day he pulled Kyrie down by the leg as he climbed up on a kitchen chair, put his finger in his face and said, "No! No!".  It was so hilarious.

Every day they do new amazing things.  They are so entertaining, exhausting, wonderful, and perfect.

I'm such a lucky mom.  So dumb lucky.

Pulling

Remember how I wrote about Kingston and Kyrie's love for each other?  Well, it's there, and it's strong.  But they are also crazy jealous of each other and their time with mama.

When I am holding one, the other is at my legs, trying to climb up them.  Literally trying to climb up them.  Whimpering voice, hands pulling my pants down, little feet trying to get some traction on my shins.

If I sweep down and pick the other up - one in each arm - they whine and push at each other.  Like seriously strong arm each other away.

If I'm sitting on the floor and I have one cuddled up against my shoulder, the other will come running up and lay their head on my shoulder too.  Fully standing, just laying their head on my shoulder and boxing their brother out.  Just to be clear they're not missing any mommy time.
_________


The other afternoon, Kingston was still napping and Kyrie was awake.  He was busy playing and and I was lazily laying on the couch.  Probably checking facebook on my phone, playing words with friends, or doing some other really spectacularly maternal thing.

David came over and snuggled up next to me.  We were laughing and canoodling as young lovers do. (I know.  Now you think I'm weird.  But we weren't doing anything really but goofing around and being silly, so canoodling seems like the right fit.)

Kyrie came BARRELING over, whining in true Kyrie fashion, and flew up to the couch.  He immediately laid his head on my chest, between me and David.

And just laid there.

Now chances are, he saw his mommy and daddy giggling and having fun, and didn't want to be left out of that fun party.  Who would want to be left out of that?

But deep down in my mommy heart, I think he was jealous.  Jealous of the time daddy was getting with me.  Jealous daddy was get some snuggle time he was missing out on.


--------------------

Moms get pulled in a million directions.  I think even more so when you're a working mom.  I'm pulled towards my job, my students, my husband, my twin boys, my dog, my house that I don't really clean, my friends, my extended family.  You know what I'm talking about, I'm sure.  Because no matter who is reading this, you are pulled too.

But on this day when I'm feeling the pull of little hands on my legs, of little faces against my shoulders and chest, and the pull of my best friend on my hand, I don't feel pulled at all.  I feel needed and loved and cherished.

Big Things

Big things happened today at my house.  Big, big things.

Each of my boys had a monumental moment today.  One that makes me so very proud, and one that makes me giggle and cringe.

Kingston went first.  Here is the backstory:

My boys talk.  They say lots of things, some of them clearly, other things not so much.  But they like to talk.  They both say Mama and Dada or Daddy.  Kyrie says Daddy clear as can be, and its a beautiful thing.  Kingston says Dada.  They both say Mama, but only when I ask them to.  It is the clearest thing that Kingston says, but again, he only says it when I say, "say mama".  Kyrie also only says it when I ask him to, but it often sounds more like bu bu or puh puh.  And it sometimes even comes out at buh-bye.

Today David let me sleep in.  When I woke up, I heard the sounds of a daddy and two little boys playing downstairs.  When I came out of the room and started walking down the stairs, I made eye contact with Kingston.  He was standing on the couch.  He said, "Muhmuh!"

He said it and he was talking to me.  About me.  Calling for me.  I could scream :)  The smile on my face is so big and giddy right now.  It's the coolest thing to hear when you are a mom.

The coolest.



And now on to Kyrie's big moment.

He pooped in the tub. :)  First time either one of my boys have blessed me with such an experience.  I made it a full year as a mom before this happened and it sort of feels like a success to make it that long.

Poop happens.  It's no biggie.


I'll just dwell on my sweet boy calling my name :)

Two Boys

There are these two boys.

And they hold my heart.  My whole heart.


When they wake up, if its only one of them that is awake, I go in and pick them up, and they reach - whole body reach - for the other crib.  They want their brother.

When they steal toys from each other, which only happens 100 times a day, they come to me and tattle on the other.  With grunting, and pointing, and whining and crying.  Usually, they do not give it back.  I have to retrieve the toy from the stealer, which ends with more crying.

But sometimes, and only sometimes, when I say "K... give the toy back.  He was playing with it."  And my sweet boy will hand the toy back to his brother.  And this mama melts.

Sometimes when they're playing together, laughing, hiding, peeking out, running wild...  they'll stop.  Mouths open, lean in together for a kiss.  

Sometimes Kyrie will scream.  Like a gleeful screech.  And then Kingston will do it.  And they'll go back and forth, screeching and laughing and screeching some more.  It's loud.  And crazy.  And hilarious.

Every time we put them in their highchairs, they go in for a high five for each other.  Every time.

They love each other.  So fiercely for such little ones who haven't been on this earth for long.  The one thing they have always, always had in the world is each other.  To love with, to laugh with, to experience life with.  I'm so thankful for that.  And I'm so thankful that I get to be a part of it.

Reflections

Last New Year's Eve we didn't make it to midnight.  In fact, we did nothing to celebrate.  At least, if we did, I have no memory of it.

That's because last New Year's Eve was during a time Dave and I lovingly refer to as the "dark days".

The boys had been home for a few weeks.  But it felt like an eternity and only 5 minutes at the same time.  I don't remember much from those days except that the boys didn't sleep.

Ever.

No really.  They never slept.  And when they did, they coordinated with each other to make sure at least one of them was always up.

I think they were just trying to keep us on our toes.  In actuality, its how we lost our silly little minds.

We were all kinds of sleep deprived crazy.

BUT - sleep deprived doesn't matter when you have these sweet faces to see each day

In those days, it took the boys about an hour and a half to fall asleep.  I remember Kingston would fall asleep first.  And then it was another hour before Kyrie would fall asleep.  It usually involved David rocking him to sleep in our closet, and then carefully transferring him to the bouncy seat in the nursery.

They didn't do cribs in the "dark days."

Then we would drop wherever we were and try to get 20 minutes of sleep before Kingston was up.  We were lucky to get 10.

A couple of brand new baby ballers. 

Christmas, New Year's, David's birthday, Valentine's day, My birthday, spring break....

These are all things we celebrate and have some sort of memorable time for.  But last year they all passed without event.  I don't remember them, I just know they happened without me.  I was half asleep through all of it, and can't remember anything monumental about any of it.


This year we may or may not make it to midnight.  We are home with our sweet family of four. All of us in our pajamas.  Two of us are snuggled in our cribs, snoozing peacefully until morning.  And its not David or me.  There is champagne in the fridge, and we've already agreed to a 9:00 toast.  Because why wait until midnight when we may not make it?  And not because we are sleep deprived.  We're not.  We're well rested.  We just may or may not choose to stay up.

One little guy who was NOT going to make the ball drop.

So while I felt like nothing big was happening last year, I was so very wrong.  Those dark days were some of the most important days of my life.  Those sleepless nights of rocking and singing the same Train song over and over again because it was the only song that stopped the crying, those days of crashing on the couch were the boys could wake up, see me there, and then sleep for a few more minutes, those were some important days.  Big things were happening.

Two napping angels. 

Mama and baby Kingston

My boys were learning who we were.  They were learning to love us, and trust us.  And feel at home.

And while I know every day is a journey towards healthy attachment and development for my little loves, I feel so content with where we are today.   So happy.  And so very blessed.

And I can't wait to see what big things happen in 2013.

My flirty little Ky.

Kingston my lion tamer.

Haircut

Hello, my name is MacKenzie and I cannot cut my children's hair.

It's probably time.  Okay, it's probably way overdue.  But I can't do it.

I am IN LOVE with their hair.  Its so beautiful.  It's perfect.  The curls are amazing.

Morning hair.  Kyrie is not pleased with my photography at this early hour.  

But its pretty long.  And the longer it gets, the more difficult it is.  Kyrie's hair is the thickest of the two, but his is actually the easiest.  It takes me WAY longer to comb through it, but its not that hard.  He sits really good for me, and I just do it in sections.  I only comb it all the way out about once a week.  In between, I just put conditioner in it between baths and finger comb it.  And it looks good.  Its incredibly long, but the longer it gets, the more the curls coil up.

Little man trying to get at my coffee....

Kingstons hair is thinner, and has looser curls, but is way harder to comb.  For one, he HATES when I do it, and doesn't sit still like Kyrie.  He screams and cries the whole time.  But for whatever reason, his hair knots up so much more than Kyrie's.  After a bath, I finger comb it and it looks really good.  But when I have to get a comb all the way through, its a huge battle.  When its not combed through, his curls tend to stand up on the top of his head in a "wild boy" way.  Which is adorable in itself, but doesn't really give off that "I've got it together"look for running around town :)

Look at his curly mullett happening.  And the all over wildness :)  Can't help but love it. 

Why yes, my hair does stand up on end.  

I know that if I cut it, it would look super cute and be easier to manage.

However, it is super cute long too.

Because, well, lets be honest.  These are some handsome boys no matter what.

They're seriously adorbs.

Pure joy. 

But here is the other thing.


It is not uncommon for children to get their heads shaved when they enter an orphanage.   I think to avoid the spread of head lice.  But my boys were teeny tiny bald headed babies when they came to Hannah's Hope, so they were not shaved.

They had the most beautiful fuzz on their little heads.  It was so short and fine and straight.

And that sweet little fuzz turned into the beautiful curls I see on their sweet heads now.  Its the same hair.

I can't bring myself to cut those first curls away.

These are the curls I first fell in love with.

These are the curls their birth mom whispered into, and kissed, and snuggled.


The curls their special mothers at Hannah's Hope cherished and caressed.

The curls that my fingers comb through, and braid and wash and smooth through.  That my face buries itself in, and my nose inhales its sweetness.

I adore these curls.  And I adore these boys.

And I just can't bring myself to do it yet.








So when did you give your children their first haircut?  When did you know it was time?

A Christmas Glimpse

Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am.  When I stop and think about how blessed I am, I get a little teary.  Like a real live, misty eyed mush ball.

My boys are amazing.  And this Christmas was such a joy.

I feel like I could write for days to tell you about the bliss that is my family.  But I'll just share a few highlights from my Christmas in pictures....

Too tired to move.  Some days are like this. 

I....  can't....  move....  Too....  Tired....

New kitchen.  We LOVE to pretend with our food and utensils!!  

And our trains love the table too. 

We are dorks who bought each other matching watches without trying. 

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas cornrows

Christmas Eve Breakfast with some friends.

Mama and one of my handsome boys. 

Kyrie being naughty and acting like Ellie pug.  Don't worry!  There was nothing in the bowl and no "contact" made.

Opening presents. 

Boxes are more fun!

New Christmas hats :)  Silk lined to protect our handsome curls. 

Cute like daddy. 

Merry Christmas everyone!!