And then SHE was born.

Well, my little lady is here!  She's actually a month old already, but I'm just now coming up for air and have time to do a little writing.

So, let me just warn you a minute.  This is a birth story.  And if you know how babies are born,  you know things are about to get weird.  No, no.  There are no photos or explicit descriptions.  Nobody needs that.  But there are terms and parts of the story where sh*t gets real.  I promise I'll spare you anything that will stop you from looking me in the eye the next time you see me.  But there might be a cringe worthy detail or two.  So read on at your own risk.

Justice Joy was born on Wednesday, November 4, at 10:58am.  And it was a PERFECT birth.  Perfect.  Everything went so smoothly, and it was the complete opposite of what I experienced with Ezra.  His was tricky, and LOOONG, and exhausting.  Worth it, but tough.  JJ's delivery was what I imagine every delivery should be like.  Perfect, and wonderful and amazing.

It all started Monday night.  In the middle of the night I woke up to a GUSH. (See?  I warned you.)  My water had broken and I raced to the bathroom.  I woke David up to let him know and called my doctor.  The on call midwife said since my contractions had not started yet, I should try to go back to bed and get some sleep.  I had 12 hours before I truly needed to be in the hospital.  Awesome.  I laid down and tried to sleep.

I didn't sleep, by the way.  Because, hello?!  Baby is coming!!

In the morning I let my boss and long term sub know what was up and that I was having this baby and not coming in.  David went to work because my labor had still not started.

And I waited.

All day long I waited.  My doctor suggested I come into the office to verify that my water had, in fact, broken.  David came too because we were sure it had and I would be admitted to the hospital.  Well, turns out, my water had not broken.  So what was it then?  Maybe a pocket of fluid.  Maybe the baby kicked my bladder and I peed.  I'm pretty confident I didn't pee.  I mean, I've peed my pants before (Who hasn't? Am I right?), and this was not that.  But who knows.  However, I was NOT in labor.  Let me tell you, I was SO EXCITED to go back to work the next day and explain that to my friends and coworkers (are you sensing my sarcasm?)

One thing the midwife did, though, was check my cervix.  I was dilated to a 3 and my cervix was 50% effaced.  This was quite a bit of progress.  So she stripped my membranes.  Again - this is about as detailed as I'm going to get here.  Google it, if you're curious.  Or, take my word that it's just something the doctor can do that sometimes gets things moving along.  It's not the most pleasant thing I've ever experienced.

By the time dinner rolled around that evening, I was having contractions pretty steadily.  Unless I sat or laid down.  So I stayed upright and moved as much as I could.  That evening, I went for a two mile walk with a couple of my girlfriends.  I was having steady contractions through the whole walk, which made it pretty uncomfortable and slow, but my friends pretended not to notice we were moving at a snail's pace.

I had contractions all night long.  And they were steady and consistent.  I knew I was in labor, but also knew I didn't want to go to the hospital until my contractions were for real, for real steady.

We left the house at about 1:00am.  In maternity triage we learned I was now 80% effaced and dilated 6 cm.  The nurse knew I wanted an epidural and asked if I was ready for it.  I told her no.  (Wait, what?  I don't know.  I was trying to impress Dave I think, who was trying to sleep in a hard plastic chair at the time.  He was so impressed.)

I walked around the hospital for 30 excruciating minutes.  As long as I could manage.  Then I went back to triage and said I was ready for that epidural now.  Then of course it takes awhile to get admitted to your room and then wait for the anesthesiologist.  So that was fun.  I honestly don't know how anyone would want to deliver without meds.  I'm the first to admit I'm a big fat baby when it comes to pain.  And both with Ezra AND Justice I had nurses tell me that redheads feel pain stronger, and bleed more than the average head of hair.  So I'm going to believe that cold hard piece of fact.  But for real.  Labor is not to be messed with.

Once I got that epidural, I felt like a million bucks and waited for my body to dilate and be ready for baby.  It was actually pretty enjoyable for Dave and I because I was progressing steadily and I was feeling good.  When it was time to push, my doctor came in.  It was very relaxed.  I could feel Justice and knew when to push, which was an awesome experience.  This is weird too - but they got out the mirror and I watched her being born.  I didn't do that with Ezra, but when he was born, it was pretty intense and there were 100 neonatal nurses and specialists in the room.  It was stressful and a little scary.  But with Justice, it was so relaxed.  My doctor so laid back and encouraging.  I saw her being born and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  Our bodies are so amazing to create, grow, and deliver life into the world.  It was truly a miracle and I'm so thankful I got to see it, while experiencing it.

She was born at 10:58am and our lives were forever changed!  We are now a beautiful family of six.  Our family is perfect.  My boys absolutely adore their sister and so do we.  I can't believe how fun a little girl is and she doesn't even do anything but eat and sleep yet!  I'm so excited to watch her grow!

Now for a line up of adorable-ness.

Settling in Before Baby

Things are going so great right now.  Kyrie is doing fantastic.  His potty training progress is sloooow... but it's in the right direction.  With each week that passes, I can see the progress he's making!  And I'm not even sure "potty training" is the right phrase.  He is potty trained.  That is not an issue at all.  It really just has more to do with regulating his digestive system.  The urge to go still comes pretty out of the blue, and he panics about getting to the bathroom on time.  And he is still only going small amounts at a time, but again - slow progress is still progress!  I'm so proud of him and how far he has come.

He will occasionally complain of his surgery sites hurting.  His steri-strips are all gone.  This was a big ordeal, of course, because they are a type of adhesive.  But once I could see his incision was healed underneath, I started putting coconut oil on them every night, and eventually he was able to pull them off on his own without any pain.  He was VERY proud of every one that came off.  He saved them for David and I on the counter.  Which is basically like saving a used bandaid, but whatever.  Little victories, right?

So his incision sites are looking pretty good.  One is a bit more raised than the other and I'm concerned there may be some scar tissue build up from the colostomy.  Maybe that's a thing, and maybe its not.  We'll find out at his next follow up appointment in a week and a half.  And while they cause him a little discomfort sometimes, he mostly seems back to normal.  He plays rougher than I'm comfortable with and very rarely naps.  So I'd say he's feeling pretty good!

David and I have been trying to get as ready as we can for baby girl to make her arrival.  It feels like everything with the boys is going perfectly, so there is no better time to throw in a little more chaos with a new baby.  We've got her nursery set, clothes washed, and car seat in the car!  I'm all caught up at work and this week I'm doing my conferences early.  I have a long term sub set up who is spending all her free time shadowing me.  Without getting paid (say whaaatt??)  I think she is going to be fantastic with my sweet little first graders.   So after Wednesday, report cards and conferences will be set and I'll be 100% ready for lady girl to get here.

So since everything is ready, I'm sure I'll go late.  I've felt like I'd go early all along, and now I'm worried I've set myself up for disappointment!  No matter when she makes her arrival, I'll be ready to meet her.  I want to enjoy every last day of this pregnancy, so every time I feel her move, I've been praying for her and her delivery, and her brothers as they adjust to her joining us.  Ezra has been SUCH a mama's boy lately.  He wants to be held by me.  He wants everything to be done by me.  David will try to simply put him in his chair or car seat, and he'll yell, "No!  Mama!"  So his world will definitely be rocked.  David and I will just have to be sure to set individual time aside for each of the boys when the little lady is home.  Fourth babies are used to that, right?  That's what baby wearing is for :)

So we're pretty excited for her to come.  Once she's here I'll probably post once or twice from the hospital while I'm only in charge of myself and one tiny baby.  But then once I'm home I'll probably never blog again.

Because.... you know.  Four kids four and under, y'all.

Bring it :)

2 Weeks Post Operation

It feels so good to be two weeks post op.  We are home, and happy and slowly recuperating.  I've written this post twice since we've been home and never been able to finish it.  I read two drafts I started but never finished.  We're just crazy busy all the time between work, the boys, and bathroom trips.  But things are good.  And we have a lot to be thankful for!

Big Picture - Kyrie is doing AWESOME.  He feels good most of the time.  He's pooping multiple times every day.  He's now able to go potty without pain.  His incisions are healing beautifully.  And he has more energy every day.  He was cleared by his surgeon to get back to regular activity and to take a bath and soak.

So excited to be packed up and ready to leave the hospital!

On our way out! 

I feel like we've jumped over many, many hurdles in his recovery.  Up until a few days ago, he really struggled to pee.  According to the surgeon, since his surgery was so close to his bladder, it is likely that his bladder was spasming and causing him discomfort.  This made it really difficult for him to pee, and caused him a lot of pain.  There was really nothing we could do for him.  We couldn't even put him in the tub to try to offer him relief that way because he wasn't cleared to soak his incisions yet.  We had a couple really rough nights and days trying to help him go. And how does one help another pee?  Seriously, we felt pretty helpless for our boy.

Twinners.  How do I have the most handsome kids in the world?  

Kyrie has also been struggling with some pretty severe "diaper rash".  He is pooping multiple times a day.  Prior to his surgery, his bottom hadn't seen any action for months because of the colostomy.  So now there is lots of stool coming through, and wiping a gazillion times a day.  I can't even begin to explain how bad this rash is.  Imagine you fell off your bike and skinned your knee.  You have raw, exposed, bleeding skin.  Now imagine it's on your bottom, and you are still going multiple times a day and having to wipe that raw, bleeding skin.  Sometimes 6 times within in hour.  It's torture.  Torture for Kyrie, and for me (or whoever is helping him in the bathroom.)  We've been using all sorts of creams, but no barrier cream sticks to exposed, broken skin, so it's been difficult to protect his bottom.  Thankfully, we are at a place where it's slowly healing.  But as long as he continues to go as often as he does, we will be fighting this battle.  I think we will be buying stock in Extra Thick Desitin cream.

Two boys playing so carefully together.  With, you guessed it... letters!

And then there is the fact that he goes multiple  times a day.  This is a blessing beyond any other because it is something he was never capable of before.  He's been very successful in this area, which is awesome.  But it's exhausting for Kyrie and us to spend so much time in the bathroom.  He can spend a significant time in the bathroom and think he is done, and five minutes after snapping his pants he's in a panic over having to go again.  When he has to go, it gives him a tummy ache, so he sort of freaks out about it.  He's afraid he's not going to make it, and obviously nobody likes a tummy ache.  So while the "going" is so awesome, it's also been tricky.  It keeps us from being able to leave the house with him very often.  We ventured out to dinner this weekend with Kyrie for the first time, and we had to race to a bathroom 3 or 4 times in the hour and a half we were out.  This has also kept Kyrie from getting back to preschool.  He's so ready to go back, but can't really do that without some pretty significant bathroom support.  We're hoping that next week Kyrie's Papa can go with him to preschool, and then hopefully back off from that support.  It's so hard to know what he'll need and how his body will continue to heal.  His surgeon thinks his body will start to regulate itself and he won't have to go so often.  But if it doesn't, we may have to try some other strategies and medication to help him go on a more normal basis.

Alphabet ducks.  For real.  

Kyrie's attitude is awesome.  He is SUCH a tough little guy!  He has been really good at taking it easy and not playing too rough.  Even when his brothers do.  Now that he is cleared for more activity, he's still taking it slow, which is so good for his mama's heart.  He is still waking up a couple times a night.  Sometimes to use the bathroom.  Sometimes to tell me he needs me to tuck him in.  One time he came in, gave me a hug and a kiss, and went right back to his bed.  He just wakes up and needs a little reassurance I think.  Which is fine.  I'm 9 months pregnant, so I'm up that often to go to the bathroom anyway.  He is so careful of his incisions on his tummy.  His incisions have steri-strips covering where his stitches were.   The surgeon said we can start taking those off now, because he's healing great.  But if you recall Kyrie's feelings about adhesive, you can imagine how that process is going.  The top incision rubs on his clothes enough that all but one has loosened and came off on their own.  The bottom ones don't get bothered much by his clothes and probably won't come off until we peel them.  This will be a bit of a problem.  They haven't even loosed up in the tub.  So we're working on that.  Or not really, but it's on my mind.  It's just not a fight I'm willing to have with him right now after all he's been through and I keep hoping they'll just start coming off.  He'll play with them and they'll come off.  I know better, but I'm hopeful.

Reunited in the tub!  And so, so happy to play together with their bath letters!

We're so thankful to have the surgery and hospital stay behind us.  And we've got another four weeks before the baby comes to focus on Kyrie's recovery before our home gets into crazy mode again.  Although - I guess it's still in crazy mode.  Maybe it always is.


Yesterday at a school event, one of my student's parents asked me if I'm nervous about adding in the fourth child.  I'm not, I told her.  Not at all.  That doesn't worry me a bit.  New baby, no sleep, labor and delivery, helping the boys adjust... yes.  That normal stuff will be tricky, but I know it will be fine once we get in our new groove.  Because we are in such a great place.  My three boys are incredible.  Kyrie is slowly making such great health progress.  My job still fills me with joy - even with how busy I am at home.  And this baby is going to be so loved by her family.

This one is just funny to me.  He came out of his brothers' room this
morning saying, "Hat!"  Weirdo!!

So we're praying for a more regulated digestive system for Kyrie.  For his diaper rash to go away and stay away.  For continued healing and health.  And for a healthy baby girl to be born with an easy delivery.  But we're also praying prayers of thanksgiving for a healthy little boy, three brothers that adore each other, and a beautiful fourth miracle on the way.

Monday Update

Well today was strangely an interesting day.  Ups and downs are pretty much a guarantee when you're chilling in the hospital.  And Kyrie is no exception.

I ran home today to pick up Kingston from preschool and spend an hour or so with him and Ezra.  While I was gone, the surgical team came in to meet with Kyrie.  Our surgeon okay'd him for solids - total win!  Kyrie started eating his long awaited Os with glee.  Kyrie also hadn't had any pain meds since 2:00 am the night before.  So they also disconnected his IV.  It's still in his arm in case we need it.  But it's so much easier taking bathroom breaks and moving around without him being connected to that.  The best news, though, was the surgeon told Dave we may be able to go home today!  As long as Kyrie continued to do well and Dave and I were comfortable with it.  I could've cried when Dave called to tell me that!!

Unfortunately, Kyrie and I are still in the hospital tonight though.  But this is okay.  I want to be home with him and the other boys so badly.  But I also need him to truly be ready to be there.  He seemed to be in a bit more pain today than yesterday.  Which makes sense, because he wasn't on pain medicine anymore.  So he's been moving around a bit more carefully.  No big deal, but compared to yesterday, he wasn't quite as quick on his feet.

He also hasn't pooped since he started eating solids.  I'm so disappointed we aren't home, but also so very proud of Kyrie.  He is ahead of schedule in every way, and this is really no big deal.  I know it will happen, and when it does, we're so out of here :)

Dave goes back to work in the morning, so he's home tonight with our other boys and Kyrie and I are flying solo.  I'm hoping Kyrie continues to sleep well tonight, even without pain meds.  (He can have regular Tylenol - we're just trying not to do any IV meds or narcotics.)  I have to go back to work on Thursday, so it would be great if we could go home tomorrow and I could have a full day at home with Kyrie and the other boys before I'm back at work.  Kyrie still cries every time he laughs from pain and can't have the other boys playing wild around him, so I want to be home to help the other two transition to Kyrie's needs as well.   We were sort of planning on staying until Wednesday, so tomorrow will be a lovely early change in plans.

We've come so far in the last five days.  I'm thrilled with the progress my little love has made and look forward to watching him continue to heal!

A New Day

Today was such an amazing day in the world of recovery!  It was seriously like a night and day difference from yesterday.   So many milestones and so much joy for this mama!

The day started off tricky.  We actually had a GREAT night of sleep, and his pain was managed well through the night.  He didn't wake up at all until 4:00am.  At that point he did struggle to get back to sleep, but it wasn't because of pain.  It was just regular 4:00am Kyrie stuff, wanting snuggles and having trouble falling back asleep. But in the morning Kyrie was feeling really sorry for himself and was crying and whining because he wanted to eat food.  And see his brothers.  And go home.  I was afraid it was going to be a very long day.  And I was solo with Ky this morning because David was spending some time at home with our other boys.

This is what pain free sleep gets you :)
And when I take pictures I can generally get eyes open, OR a smile.  Not often both.  

But then we learned the play room was open.  Kyrie perked right up and wanted to go play there!  So off we went.  It was our longest walk yet and he was like a new fresh kid up in that room.  We played kitchen and he didn't even get sad that he was creating pretend meals and he wasn't actually allowed to eat!

Playing kitchen.  Talking through the whole thing.  Making me cookies
and pancakes and hamburgers in the toaster.  I saw my normal, goofy Kyrie
for the first time since the surgery!

We came back down for his pain meds and the nurses told us Kyrie was allowed to have a few sips of water.  Yay!!  This made his day.  He didn't so much sip, but drank it down with glee.  Then the nurse said we would also be removing his catheter.  Yikes!  And Dave wasn't even here for support.  Kyrie was terrified.  And the nurses came in and did a wonderful job on making it a quick process.  Last night we had a painful mishap with the catheter, so I knew getting it out was going to be a great thing. But ouch.  Ouch, ouch, ouch.  My boy screamed like any grown man would've when getting a catheter removed.  He cried for a little bit after, but when I mentioned the play room again, he was good to go!  Up we went for a few more minutes of play before it closed.

WATER!!  First thing he could eat or drink since Thursday.  Yes, THURSDAY!
He generally doesn't even like water, but drank it right up!

This time when we came back we met up with our surgeon to check in.  He assured me that Kyrie was right on track with recovery, even though he hadn't had any gas or bowel movements yet.  He was thrilled to see Kyrie up and about and smiling.  So that gave me a lot of hope that things were right as they should be.

The rest of the day it was very difficult to get Kyrie to stay in bed.  He wanted to be up and walking around and playing.  All great things!  He got sillier and sillier as they day went on, which is also so good.  That continued to show me how my boy must be feeling better and getting back to his regular goofy self.

Then this evening, I left a little before dinner to meet Ezra and Kingston for dinner.  On my way there, David called me to tell me that Kyrie has started passing gas.  I've never said a prayer of thanksgiving for gas before today.  When I got back to the hospital, Kyrie told me he tooted 10 or 3 or 11 times.  Hooray!  He got to eat some more ice chips and was in the BEST mood.

And then the best part of my day yet.  You are going to think I'm the weirdest ever.  But my little boy asked to go to the bathroom and he POOPED!!!  Now, not only is this awesome news in terms of his recovery,

BUT.

Kyrie is four years old.  In four years of his life, he has never, NEVER been able to just go in the bathroom and poop.  He has tried many, many, many times.  Multiple times a day.  No success.  Just incontinence in his pull up that he had no control over.  Ever.

Let that sink in a minute.

Although he desperately wanted to, and saw his twin brother do it daily, and probably always felt like he had to... He could not poop.  His body would not let him.

So when I sat there with him and watched this amazing success, I seriously teared up.  This is such a huge milestone in his life.  This is such an amazing little miracle for our family.  This ridiculous, rare disease that has had us stumped for four years, put us through multiple surgeries and countless doctor's visits is finally, slowly, being overcome.  When he realized what was happening, his face lit up.  You guys, you would have seriously cried right along with me when you saw the pride on my baby's face!  The sweetest little four year old "YAY!!!" came out of his mouth.  He was in as much awe as me.  It was so great.

And then he got to come out of the bathroom and share his big news with some friends we had visiting.  And then out in the hall to tell our nurse.  And every other nurse out there.

This happened right before bedtime.  He's peacefully asleep now.  And I'm on cloud NINE!  Every. Single. Prayer request that I listed last night has been answered.  Every one.  Thank you so much for praying for us.  Thank you for supporting us and loving us, and celebrating all these milestones right along with us.

Wow.  Just wow.  Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings for my tough little guy!

Hurdles and Hurdles

I keep thinking to myself, after the NG tube, it will be easy.  After the IV, if they ever get it, the rest will be easy.  After the surgery, it will all be easy.  And after every hurdle, there seems to be another one lurking.

I didn't think recovery would be this difficult.  Last night was so tough for Kyrie.  The morphine wasn't lasting as long as it should (2 hours).  He would wake up whimpering to me.  I'd go to comfort him and within 5 minutes he was in unbearable pain.  We'd repeat the process all night long.  But eventually, it was too early for more morphine.  Too early for more Tylenol.  So the nurse called the surgeon, who approved another medicine.  Which then had to be sent through the pharmacy and sent up.  All while my boy was struggling and crying in pain.  We just cried together in his bed while we waited for the medicine.

Finally at 5:00am he was given a new medication, and he was comfortable.  It's a six hour med, and he's been on it all day. It has helped him so much more.  As the day progresses, he seems to be feeling better and better.

Oh, hello.  Last night sucked and we are tired.  

And then they need to draw blood.  Another hurdle.  This never goes well.  Today was no exception.  Only now his thrashing and screaming was coupled with 2 stomach incisions that caused him even more pain when he moved.  After a hearty attempt at two different spots, the lab techs said, "lets take a break."  At this point, Kyrie was in so much pain again that we needed more "between dose" narcotics.  And we knew they still needed blood.  When the second pair of lab techs came, they were successful much quicker.  Hurdle jumped.  Small boy passed out from exhaustion.  I was so thankful because he needed that rest so badly.

After the first blood draw.  Kyrie grunted and made weird noises and screams
through the whole thing.  Which I firmly believe is four year old talk for swear words.
I translated in my head for him.  

Kyrie's brothers came for a visit today.  They came between the blood draws, so Kyrie wasn't in the best of spirits.  He was uncomfortable and grumpy.  But he was happy to see his brothers.  It made him a bit homesick today, and has been complaining of missing his brothers and home all day.  I feel ya, honey.  I do.

Finally cashed out for a well deserved nap. 

Our biggest hurdle right now is that Kyrie's bowels haven't really woken up.  And this child wants to EAT.  I knew he would.  The doctor foolishly told me it wouldn't be an issue because Kyrie would most likely feel nauseous until his stomach and bowels woke up and started working.  However, what the doctor doesn't know that I do, is that Kyrie has lived four years of his life feeling nauseous before he was diagnosed with Hirschsprung's.  When you love something like Os, and you know the hospital has them, it's pretty much all you want in the world when you're four.  A tummy ache will not stand in your way.

Unless of course you need to poop or pass gas first and this is something you've never been able to do on command your whole life.  He's made 4 or 5 trips to the bathroom to try.  But at this point, pushing hurts his stomach incisions.  He wants to eat so bad that he keeps trying, but no luck yet.  This also means that Dave and I have had to be very stealth with our eating today.  Seeing food that he can't have sends Kyrie into tears.  So we take turns eating meals in the hallway lobby.  Today Kyrie told me very suspiciously that my breath smelled like M&Ms.  "Huh.  That is pretty weird!" I said as I walked backwards to the bathroom to brush my teeth.  And when I took a drink of ginger ale, something Kyrie wouldn't even want to try if I let him drink pop, he yelled at me.  "Mom!  You can't have that unless you are going to let me eat sumthin!"  Touche' Kyrie.  My bad.

Took some walks this afternoon and sat somewhere besides the bed!
Big steps for a little man after surgery!  Proud of him!

The worst is that Kyrie won't even get to eat food once his bowels do start working.  He'll have to start with clear liquids, which will be torture for a boy that really only likes to drink milk - an unclear liquid.  On Thursday when he was on clear liquids for a bit I talked him into trying Apple Juice.  What child won't drink apple juice??  Let me introduce you to my son Kyrie.  No jello.  No soup broth.  No juice.  That leaves him with water.  Also not his favorite.

I truly don't know why I thought after surgery would just be a boring few days while we waited to go home.  Maybe because his colostomy recovery was so much more simple.  We felt like it was a lot of waiting to go home.  Well, this time is not that.  It's hard.  It's hard seeing your child in pain.  It's hard not being able to feed them when they're hungry.  It's hard watching them get poked and prodded and hearing that they just want to go home with their brothers.  This shit is hard.

Please pray for the hurdles we have ahead of us.

Pray for a good night sleep for Kyrie tonight with little pain.

Pray for Kyrie's stomach and bowels to wake up and start moving.  And pray for that process to be as pain free as possible.

Pray for Kyrie to be patient for when he can finally eat.

Pray for his home sickness and heart as he misses his brothers.

And please pray for tomorrow when they remove his catheter.  I can't even imagine how that is going to go down.

While your at it, pray for me and David.  Kyrie is so much tougher than we are, and we are the grown ups.  Pray for us to be there for our boy in every way he needs.  And to be there for our boys at home as well.  They're missing Kyrie and mom and dad too.

It's amazing how your texts and Facebook messages lift us up.  Thank you for checking in all the time and supporting us.  It means the world!!

My ray of sunshine showed some glimpses of his silly self.  "My tummy is being a
goofball, mama."  (Because it hurts...)  "I'll ONLY poop if you give me some food first."
(Good bargaining my man.  Wrong order though.  Sorry.) 
"Mama, you're being a beast." (No idea how to explain that one.  He's just weird.)

Surgery Complete!

Surgery is done and according to Kyrie's surgeon, everything went really well.  It took quite a long time.  He got wheeled back around 10:20 and he wasn't done until some time between 3:30 and 4:00.  You would think I would've been more productive during that time, but I wasn't.  I don't even know what I did, honestly.  I think the weirdest thing about the surgery for David and I was when the surgeon told us they removed his appendix.  I guess this is a routine thing.  There was nothing wrong with it, but the surgeon said that Kyrie still has his whole life ahead of him where his appendix could give him trouble. He's already had two stomach surgeries on his intestines, and if he can avoid another one, he'd like to.  So that is why they removed it.  Makes sense.  Still weird.  But my older brother had appendicitis with emergency surgery and it was no picnic, so it's nice to know that will never be in our future with Kyrie.

When we went to the recovery room to see Kyrie he opened his eyes for a minute and said, "I jus wanna sleep."  And that is what he has spent most of the rest of the afternoon and night doing.  He's had a couple short little 20 minute jaunts of being awake.  Both times he asked me if the tube was gone from his nose and if his stoma was gone.  He was thrilled to hear they were.  I have a feeling when he really wakes up in the morning though, and is not groggy, he will be less than thrilled to learn about the new tube he has going on.  He has a catheter because part of his pain medication included a caudal block, which is sort of like a child sized epidural.  He can't really get up to use the bathroom.  So... catheter.  I don't even want to think about when that is removed.  Poor boy has been through enough already!

But my sweet Kyrie did show glimpses of his silly self.  He asked when he can have colored Os (fruit loops).  He knows they have them here and he only gets them occasionally at home.  He can't eat for a couple days probably.  He also asked me if he can be wild now that his stoma is gone.  I told him that his tummy needs time to heal first.  He has two incisions on his belly.  One where the stoma was, and one where the doctor worked on his intestines.  He also has an additional incision inside his bottom.  He asked if he could be wild once he was all healed up then.  To which I could only answer yes.  So we have that to look forward to :)  He also asked for his letters to play with.  He was too tired to actually play though, and fell asleep with a handful of them clutched in his little palm.

He's resting very peacefully now, which gives my mama heart so much happiness.  But I know we have a big road ahead of us.  The surgeon said to plan on at least five days here from this point.  Kyrie's bowels will take a couple days to wake up and start working.  Then we start with feeding him fluids and see how that goes.  Then on to solids.  We need to make sure everything is in good working order once he's eating.  There are so many unknowns about how the rest will go.  He will probably not have much bowel control at first, which I know is going to be really frustrating for him.  Because of that, he could possibly get very rashy as well, which in the past has been a very painful thing.  And then there is the catheter removal.  Oh Lordy.  I'm queasy just thinking about how we're going to be able to hold him down while he fights the nurses through that.  And on top of that, I don't want him to hurt himself with his healing incisions.  I know once the caudal wears off he'll be in quite a bit of pain and discomfort.  I'm hoping he'll make it through the night, though.  And not wake up in pain.  If he does, of course the nurses will be able to give him something right away.

At this point David and I are trying to determine our schedule here.  At some point we need to go home to spend some time with our other boys.  But it's such a drive that we're both a little nervous about being away.  We'll have to wait and see how tomorrow goes for Kyrie.  Hopefully our other two will be able to come visit Ky tomorrow if he's up to it.  I don't know how I'm going to balance being home and being here.  My heart is in two places right now.  I'm praying for all those logistics to just work themselves out so I can be two places at once.  I'll let you know how that goes.  The great news is that the boys are well taken care of and every time we've Face timed they've been silly and happy and blowing kisses.  They're worried about their brother, though and want to see him.  So hopefully we can get them here and they can be calm enough that this mama doesn't send them away in five minutes :)  They tend to be wild when all three are together.  Shoot, they're wild when there is just one or two of them.  It's the Stefanich way I guess.

Please keep the prayers coming!  The worst of it is out of the way, but our journey is long and my boy isn't back to his regular self just yet.  Thank you for continuing to support us through this!

Off to the Operating Room

A big chunk of my heart is in the operating room right now.  And I've got a good number of hours to sit and wait on that little man.  It's funny how times like this show you how different people cope with things like this.  I have to sit in this waiting room.  I physically HAVE to.  David cannot bear to just sit here.  With Kyrie's last surgery, Dave talked me into a walk and I felt like I was going crazy.  I was jittery, nervous, paranoid.  I couldn't wait to get back to the waiting room.  It's silly because they give you a pager and can contact you if you need to leave to get lunch or walk or whatever.  But I can't do it.  I have to just sit here.  And while Dave sits here with me, I can see the same jittery, nervous behavior from him.  He goes stir crazy sitting still during times like this.

So he's on a walk, and I'm sitting in the waiting room.  And we're both where we need to be.

Kyrie had an excellent night last night.  He slept through the night.  This is something he hasn't done since his last surgery.  Every night, at least once - sometimes three times, he'll come to the side of my bed.  "Mommy, I'm havin' trouble sleepin'."  "Mommy, my eyes are itchin' me."  "Mommy, I'm feeling really tired."  "Mommy, I need a snuggle."  Any number of things.  He just needs a little reassurance.  A snuggle in his bed or mine.  Needs me to carry him back and tuck him in.  Hugs and kisses.  And then he's fine.  But yesterday was traumatic and exhausting, and he slept like a rock.  And I am so thankful!  Through me emptying his colostomy bag, and nurse vital checks, he slept through it all.  And early this morning when I emptied his colostomy bag for the last time, I did a little sleepy happy dance.  And he slept through that too.

He woke up grumpy and didn't want to talk about the surgery, but was happy with some letters to play with.  When we asked him what he wanted for his after surgery prize, he said, "A Whip and Nae Nae party!"  He's so ridiculous and I love him so much.  Crazy kid.  We will definitely be doing a little Whip and Nae Nae in the recovery room.

He did not want his picture taken. 

Got one when he was distracted by Mickey. 

So now I sit and wait.  My plan is to maybe get some work done.  Answer some emails.  Go to the bathroom 29 times (I am pregnant after all).  Flip through a magazine.  Stare into space.  And maybe online shop to distract me.  Don't tell Dave.  He's on a walk and will never know :)

Finally got some smiles right before surgery.  

Thank you again for all of your support and care.  We are truly feeling your love and prayers!  I am so much calmer right now than I ever imagined I would be.  Kyrie had such a great night and did fine being wheeled off to surgery (with the help of a little medication).  I am stocked with magazines, snacks, and prizes for Kyrie and I didn't have to go to a single store for any of it.  My other kids are being cared for at home by family members that love them almost as much as I do.  My phone is blowing up with texts of support.  I can't thank you enough for taking care of my family in this way.  We are so blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends and family.  I'll post again tonight after surgery and let you know how little man is doing!

Surgery Prep Day

Well, we made it to the hospital today.  Which is a great feat after the night we had with Ezra.  I think he just knew I'd be away from home for awhile.  I couldn't get that child to sleep until 10:00pm!  Which is incredibly out of character for him.  And then he decided to be up from 3:00 to 5:30am as well.   Just wide away trying to hang out with me.  He screamed his head off for Dave or if we left him in his crib.  But if I had him with me, he just wanted to snuggle and kiss me.  "Mom. Big, big, big hug.  Momma.  Big tiss."  So that was exhausting, but it was survive-able.

Then today we got called at 8:30am saying his bed was ready.

We stopped by dad's school before the hospital.  He sat on this
bench and said, "Take my picture!"  He was PUMPED about going to the hospital. 

And again with the bench.  This time in the pedestrian bridge over to the hospital.  

A big fan of the tiger jammies and footie socks.  

Lots of waiting before the tube and IV. 

So now we're here.  It's 5:00.  Kyrie has had the tube put down his nose and throat, and also gotten his IV.  Both were incredibly traumatic.  Which is what they were the first time as well. So I was ready.

Except this time David could not be with us.  And my belly is much larger which makes it harder to hold and snuggle a thrashing, fighting four year old who doesn't actually want a tube crammed down his nose and throat, or needles in his arms.

And this time there was vomiting.  So that always adds in a fun twist.

The after.  This towel hasn't left his face.  He's scared to throw up again. 

He is asleep now.  And I'm so thankful.  Hopefully this will help him get used to the feeling of the tube.  Which is gagging him more than the last time around.  We've both been through a change or two of clothes, and it would be nice if that hurdle was done with.  But if its not, it's okay too.  It doesn't bother me.  It just bothers him.  So I guess that part bothers me.

And finally snoozing.  So glad he can get some rest after the exhausting ordeal!

I've felt so blessed by friends, coworkers, and family.  My phone has been blowing up with supportive emails and texts.  I wouldn't have eaten anything today, except that one friend sent me with a gift bag full of snacks.  Multiple people have sent toys and activities for Kyrie, which have already saved the day.  I'm so thankful for the "village" that is taking care of us right now!

I think we'll be in for another sleepless night though.  And that is hard on me emotionally.  Kyrie will hopefully do great.  But he's getting pumped full of something called "go lightly" which makes kids do the exact opposite of what it's name suggests.  I'll have to empty his colostomy bag pretty regularly.  But again - this is no big deal.  The last time we went through this same process, he could not pass anything.  And it led to a lot of awful stomach aches, enemas, and hysteria all around.  This time that will all be avoided with the colostomy.  And hopefully all fixed up after surgery.

But no sleep two nights in a row makes me weepy when I'm not 8 months pregnant with one of my babies in surgery.  So tomorrow will be a sob fest I'm sure.  Not in front of my little man.  But probably through the surgery.  Which is totally cool because the waiting room for surgery has been pretty busy for the last 2 surgeries.  And we don't really have a time frame for the surgery. "Through the morning and much of the afternoon."  Which I'm pretty sure is a LOT of hours.  I am confident in our surgeon though.  And he said to me, "I don't watch the clock.  I just take care of Kyrie in surgery."  Which is what I want.  There should be no time limit on making my boy healthy.

Pray for my sweet boy and his surgeon.  His surgery is scheduled for 10:00am.  I'll be sure to update tomorrow.  Maybe twice.  I'll have nothing to do while I'm all cry face during surgery so maybe I'll just type.

Surgery Scheduled

Well, the x-ray went wonderfully.  The results showed Kyrie's intestines are back to a regular size.  And getting a barium enema when you've had a colostomy is one million times less traumatic.  Since I'm pregnant, I wasn't allowed in the room for that part either time.  But the first time I heard him from the hallway and it was heartbreaking.  This time he was so brave and told me how wonderful he did when I walked back in the room.  You guys, he's such an amazing little boy who has been through so much!  I'm so proud of his bravery every day.

Our consult with the surgeon also went well. I had one million questions for him and he was so patient in answering all of them.  We ended up waiting both in the waiting room and in the exam room for an obscene amount of time because of a miscommunication.  And Kyrie hung in there like a champ.  The worst part for me was that the surgeon couldn't fit us in his schedule before school started.  I was truly hoping to be done with the hospital stay by now and set to go back to school.  But instead I'm set to go back to school and planning on taking a week off for his surgery at the end of September.  But this is okay.  I'm trying not to be a control freak and trusting God's plan.  It's always better anyway.  And we have so much to be thankful for.  Kyrie is doing AWESOME, so the delayed surgery makes no real difference to him right now.  He couldn't care less about when the colostomy is reversed.  The surgery is still a little over a month before my due date, so that gives us a good window of time.  Plus, my principal has been SO incredibly supportive during this whole ordeal.  I have so much guilt about missing school and she has just really supported that family needs to be my first priority.  And I appreciate that so much!  I've already got my sub lined up for the surgery, and she's amazing.  I won't have to worry about my sweet little first graders at all while she is there.  I only wish she could do my maternity leave as well, but she's having a new baby of her own in December.

His surgery is Friday, September 25.  We'll have to be admitted to the hospital on Thursday for bowel prep again.  And we'll be there for 5-7 days while Kyrie recovers and his body hopefully starts working properly.  It's so hard to predict how those days will go, but I'm trying to be comfortable with the unknown.

The sweetest part of the whole x-ray day was when the surgeon asked Kyrie if he had any questions.  Of course his first one was that he wanted to know if the surgeon had any letters at his house.  My boy loves his letters and likes to know who shares his passion.  But then when I asked Kyrie if he had any questions about the surgery, he asked, "Can I be WILD after my surgery?"  Since his colostomy, David and I are constantly reminding Kyrie to settle down.  He won't hurt himself at all, and he is never in any pain or discomfort.  But we don't want his colostomy bag to come detached or leak. And we've found that the more we can keep him settled, the longer we can go between colostomy bag changes.  Which are still the trickiest part about the whole ordeal right now, so less changing is better.

The doctor told him he can be wild, as long as it's okay with mom.  And he just beamed.  He wants to do ridiculous things like slide down the stairs on his stomach and do belly flops from the couch into a pile of pillows on the floor.  Both are things I've told the boys not to do.  Both are things Kingston has managed to do when I'm turned the other way.  Kyrie doesn't do them though.  He's usually very conscience of his colostomy bag, and will come tell me what he's not doing in order to protect his stoma bag.  Which immediately tells me Kingston is mid belly slide.  So while I don't actually love the shenanigans my boys will get into together once Kyrie is healed, I'll be a little thrilled to see it happen.

X-ray Day

 Tomorrow is Kyrie's follow up X-ray.  That means that he's had his colostomy for two months.  In some ways it really flew by.  Kyrie has been doing amazing with it.  With each adhesive change he gets braver and braver.  Last night when I was changing it, he even coached me through and said, "Mommy, you are doing a really great job!"  Those moments help a lot.

Honestly, Kyrie is the toughest little guy I know.  There were so many traumatic moments in the hospital, and Kyrie is dealing with them really well.  He talks about it all the time.  He tells people all the time that he was in the hospital.  And the doctors "did NOT to a great job!"  (Disclaimer: They really did a great job. He just hated it.  Rightly so.)  He'll tell people about the tube up his nose, and that it hurt.  He talks about the pokes and the owies.  I think that sharing his story with people helps him remember and wrap his head around it.  Other times when people ask me how he is in front of him, he tells me, "Don't talk about it!  Don't talk about my business!"  So I respect that.  It's amazing to me how my little four year old is such a grown up.  Some days he feels like sharing.  Other days he doesn't.  And for the most part, he'd rather talk about it himself than have me talk about it to people.  Makes sense to me.

His colostomy rarely effects him during his day to day.  He plays rough and swims, and sleeps on his tummy, and EATS.  Oh how my little boy eats.  It's the most beautiful thing.  Ezra even wants a colostomy bag like his big brother.  He wants to do everything he does, so it's just natural.  I have some extra bags that came in a sample.  They're not the type I use for Kyrie, so I stick them on Ezra.  He LOVES it!  It's so funny.  He doesn't mess with it or anything. But he's just super proud to be like his older brother. And it's good for Kyrie to see that it can be a cool thing too.

------------------

So tomorrow is his follow up X-ray.  We'll find out if his sweet little body is ready for the next surgery.  There is nothing we can possibly do to prepare for this.  His body will be ready when it's had enough time to heal and his intestines have returned to a normal size.  Could be now.  Could be in a couple months.  And if he's not ready, the colostomy is going so smoothly that it's really no big deal to wait.

But I can't help but have immense anxiety over it.  I selfishly want him to be ready for surgery.  That means we can possibly schedule it for next week.  I'm still on summer break and I'll be able to have all the time in the hospital with him (5-7 days) without missing work.  I'll have a little time after that to help him transition home as he's healing.  I'll have a little time to figure out how potty training might go for him now that his body will be working properly.  It could go very smoothly.  It could also be very challenging if his body doesn't cooperate right away, or work as it should after the surgery.  There is a huge range of possibilities for how his body will work afterwards.  I'm hoping for the best. Trying to prepare for anything.

If he needs more time, I'm struggling with trusting how the timing will work out.  I have no problem taking time off work if necessary.  The tricky part is that I have a maternity leave coming up and my insurance is affected by how many days I am off.  It could especially get tricky if surgery happens close to or during my maternity leave.  How on Earth am I going to take care of a brand new infant, myself, and my sweet Kyrie as he heals?  How do I stay 5-7 days and nights in a hospital with Kyrie with a newborn?  It will be impossible for me to leave the baby.  Impossible for me to not stay with Kyrie.

I'm worried about affording all the time off.  I'm worried about being spread too thin between Kyrie and the new baby.  I'm worried neither will get enough attention when they need it.  Let alone Kingston and Ezra.  I'm worried about the surgery.  And recovery.

I know that logically it makes no sense to worry about all this.  I'll find out tomorrow, and we can figure it out from there.  He'll be ready, or he won't.  The surgery will be scheduled soon.  Or later.  And it will all be fine.  I know that.  In the meantime, Kyrie is pain free. And happy.  And talks NONSTOP.  And that is all I've prayed for.  A happy, healthy, little boy.  So now I just need to put my trust in God and know he's got this.  He knows the timeline.  He's got it figured out.  He's got my boy in his hands.

Ten Years

This day is never great.  It always catches me off guard, even though I know it's coming.  And this morning I realized that today marks ten years since my dad died.  I don't really feel like it could have been ten years already.  And so much has happened in my life that I haven't been able to share with my dad since we lost him to cancer.

I got my first teaching job.  One of my last big milestones I got to share with my dad was graduating from college.  I remember how proud he was of me that day and I remember the feeling of seeing him in the audience at my graduation.  We went out for a family dinner afterwards, but he didn't join us.  He wasn't feeling well.  That was in December. This happened again when we were on a family vacation to NYC on New Year's Eve.  We have some amazing friends that had hotel rooms for us all to celebrate the ball dropping in Times Square.  That's right.  Times Square.  I saw Regis.  We talked.  I have a picture to prove it.  But it's like a REAL picture.  Not a digital one.  And I'm not sure where it is located at this time in my life.  But it exists.  I swear.

But my dad was in the hotel room when the ball dropped.  Because he wasn't feeling well.  And just a couple weeks after that we learned all this not feeling well  was due to the small cell lung cancer taking over his body.

Since I lost my dad I fell in love.  Got married.  He didn't get to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.  But before he died, my daddy did get to walk me down the aisle.  I suppose that was truly the last big milestone I got to experience with my dad.  We set up a perfect little afternoon at my church.  I got to have the walk down the aisle with my daddy that every little girl dreams of.  And my dad got to walk with me.  We danced.  He gave me a beautiful pearl necklace that was my grandmother's.  I wore it my wedding day.  I treasure that necklace.  It was such a sweet day for us. And although he didn't get to come to my actual wedding day, he was a part of it.  And I had that beautiful memory as I walked down the aisle without him.

David never met my dad.  We had just become friends when my dad died.  He came to his funeral, but never met him.  I tell him about my dad all the time, but I really struggle that he didn't know him.  He couldn't possibly understand the kind of person my dad was just with stories.  He was such a huge personality.  Such a big piece of me.  I think if David had known my dad he would see so much of him in me.

We brought our beautiful first babies home from Ethiopia since my dad died.  I've had my first pregnancy.  And am in the middle of my second.  My dad would adore my babies.  He would love our three boys so much and this sweet little lady on the way too.  I know he would.  He would be an amazing grandpa, and it breaks my heart that my kids are robbed of that and they don't even know it.

I've grown so much from that fresh out of college - no job or money to my name - girl I was when my dad died.  And I'm not embarrassed by that girl.  That was one of the most important times of my life.  Thankfully I only had a basic office job to pay the bills while I searched for my teaching job.  My employers were amazing, and I could come and go as I pleased.  This weird "non-career" time in my life allowed me to go to every doctor's appointment and chemo appointment for my dad that I could make it to.  I learned everything I could about his cancer and drugs.  I spent more time with him during these months than I had in the previous few years.  And I'll always treasure that time I got with my dad.

I wish he knew me now.  I wish my kids could sit on his lap, and get tickled by him.  I wish they could experience his ridiculous jokes and quick wit.  I wish I could get advice from him.  And share my joys with him.

It's been ten years and it still hurts just the same.  I think I'm a little surprised by that.  I get caught up in all the feelings I had on that day ten years ago when he took his last breath.  I still feel like there is someone else I need to call when I have big news to share.  I still want to stop by his work just to chat every time I'm in the area.  I still miss his homemade breakfasts.  I miss it all.  And I know that I always will.  But it still catches me off guard every year.

Ten years, dad.  It feels like yesterday.  And I still miss you just the same.