The Dreaded Plane Ride

This plane ride was hanging over our heads the WHOLE week.

I was so nervous about this.  Because we were running a man to man defense and I knew there would be NO down time.  None.  Because how could there be?  "Here Dave, hold both babies while I catch some Z's.  I'll get you back next plane ride.  Thanks."

And then there is the whole topic of these babies don't really know or trust us yet. So they might just cry the whole 24 hour trip.  This was my fear.  And it was gripping my heart and I felt a bit of a panic attack coming on every time I thought about it.

While at the same time, just wanting to get on the plane and get home.  Oh, the dilemma.

We got to the airport and were hoping for seats with a bassinet.  Its was the ONLY way we'd get any kind of break on the plane.  We asked for one when we checked in.  The language barrier made me feel like the guy sort of ignored that little request.  But there was no telling.

We weren't sure if he hooked us up, or did not, but we were hoping and wishing and praying.

Then we went into this little restaurant/cafe thing and got some less than fabulous pizza and waters.  We fed the boys and sat down for the long haul.

But then something smelled not so right.  Yep.  One of my little man had a serious issue in his going home clothes.

How lovely.

So I trucked it on over to the bathroom to change him.

Have I mentioned how adorable my boys are?  Well, they are SO flippin' cute.  Its almost an issue because when your child has a blow out diaper, and you are a new mom with little experience cleaning up that much mess, you suddenly get an audience.

REALLY?  You think I want you to watch me do this?  Maybe oggle my baby once we're all cleaned up, okay?  Thanks.

So I'm at the baby changing station and these two lovely Ethiopian ladies who work at the airport are watching me and talking to Kingston (I think it was Kingston, but I honestly don't remember anymore…).  They are talking in another language and I can only imagine what they are saying as I peel away the onsie and throw it away, bathe my child with baby wipes, and attempt to find some new jammies in my bag.  All while leaving a hand on the child so he does not roll off the table thing and gagging from what I can only describe as a horrendous sight and smell.

It was not my best moment.   And I'm so thrilled I got to share it with two strangers who talked about me in a language I did not understand.

Oh.  And have you tried washing your hands with an infant in your arms?  Its tricky.  Its a one hand at a time kind of deal.  I mastered it by the time we got home.

So then it was time to go through the next part of security.  Where there are no bathrooms, or places to buy water, or garbage cans even.  So we waited as long as we could, just in case Kyrie wanted to replay his brothers shining moment in the bathroom.

We got to go through the line a little faster because we had two babies.  Or because I had crazy eyes after no sleep and twin babies.  Who knows.

We got up to the next ticket booth by our gate and asked again about bassinet seats.

The lady looked at us like we'd lost our minds and said, "not anymore."

Um?  Like we were supposed to come here 2 hours ago with NO supplies and/or bathroom?  Can't you make an exception for us?  LOOK AT US!  We're losing our minds and we have two babies.  Count them.  TWO!

But I didn't say that.  I choked back my tears of despair and found a seat.

And that is when Kingston threw up his whole bottle on David.  ALL over David.  Because he was "wearing" him in an ergo carrier.  And it wasn't spit up.  It was projectile formula vomit.

Have I mentioned to you yet that there were no bathrooms in this area?  Yeah, he was stuck in that nasty shirt for the next couple hours because its not exactly culturally appropriate to whip off your shirt for a clean one.

We were in rough shape, and we hadn't even gotten on the plane yet.

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Finally it was time to board.  We got to board in the first group - again because of the babies.  Which we wouldn't have realized if a nice lady hadn't told us to check the color on our ticket because we had children.  This made me very happy.  Thank you nice lady.

We had purchased three seats so that we would have the whole row to ourselves.  Plus, who wants to sit by the couple with twin babies?

David changed his shirt, and I changed some diapers before we left.  The hardest part about that was the Kingston out of nowhere had this diaper rash that was ridiculous.  Like raw, and bleeding bottom.  Poor guy!!  So he screamed every time I changed his diaper.  Which I'm pretty sure the whole plane could hear.

Sorry, friends on the plane.

Besides that, the boys did FAN TAS TIC!  They really surprised us.  They slept well on the plane, and we were able to sleep with them in our arms.  They ate well, spit up minimally, and were happy to be carried around the plane and look at people from time to time.

Daddy and Kyrie

Me and Kingston

Check the usage of the neck pillows and plane pillows.  Genius.

Doesn't that child look so comfortable?

The plane...

It was hard to eat with a baby on your lap, but we made it work.  And all the people around us were so distracted by the cuteness of our babies that they didn't mind the two 5 minute periods where there was some inconsolable crying.  And it was really no more than that!  We felt so lucky to have the nice people around us  :)

Except for the interesting pair behind us.  They were the type that called the flight attendant 100 times for extra crackers with their meal, more salad dressing, another 'cheese' thingy, more coke, another cup with ice, more ice please, and another blanket.  We had 2 babies with us and required less attention.  Oh - and the one time Kyrie was crying as we landed in Rome to refuel (and he cried because he had to be buckled in and couldn't move) the woman behind us sat with her blanket over her head, and her hands over her ears (over the blanket).  It was a little dramatic for 5 minutes of crying.  But whatever :)  I actually didn't even feel worried about what she thought.  I giggled at her ridiculousness.

We were told we had a direct flight to Grand Rapids.  But that was a big fat lie.  Or a trick I should say.  Because a direct flight is NOT the same thing as a nonstop flight (says the man at the check in desk Washington D.C. before I boarded a flight to Chicago.)  Little did he know that I had just got out of the immigration line with a child that smelled like something toxic.  Because one blow out on a trip is just not enough.  And as I tearfully asked him if there was a sooner flight so we wouldn't have an 8 hour layover in D.C. Kyrie realized he was overdue for his bottle.  And I sat on the floor right there to feed him because my arms had zero strength to hold him and do it.

And that lovely man got us on an earlier flight.  NOT a nonstop flight.  And NOT a direct flight either (which by the way - means you go to Chicago, switch planes a quick sec, and THEN go to GR.)

But a regular flight where you switch planes and go to GR.  Which sounded mysteriously like that direct flight he told me about, but whatever.

When we got to the gate, the nicest airline lady EVER came over and talked to me about the boys.  She has twins to and she just went on and on about how I could do it, and it would be hard, but hang in there, and take time for my husband, and all sorts of good things like that.  She was lovely.  Just lovely.

Then we flew to Chicago, and sprinted with 2 babies to the next gate.  Like a fool, I decided not to put Kyrie in the Moby wrap.  Because I thought the gate would be very, very close (like in that direct flight situation.)  But silly me, it was NOT a direct flight, and our gate was in a whole different terminal and I didn't realize it until I had already committed to not using the Moby, and we didn't want to stop to put it on because we were afraid we would miss our connecting flight, and my arms were BURNING and I complained the whole way about how I couldn't make it another second.

But I did make it, surprising us all.

And we got on the smallest plane in the history of the world and flew to GR.  The boys slept that whole plane ride.

And……  EXHALE……  WE WERE HOME!!!!

We had planned on having our families and friends at the airport to greet us.  But that was when we thought we were getting to GR in the evening.  Since we took the earlier flight (which we were SO thankful for) we got in to Grand Rapids while most people were still at work.

But our parents were there, and my best friend and her husband were there too.  And it was wonderful.

Here we come….

My mom meeting her grandson for the first time!

Now I feel like I need to include a disclaimer here.  I was in a weird state at this point.  I was SO tired.  And emotional.  And I hadn't looked in a mirror since before we left Ethiopia (apparently motherhood does that to you) and I may have been a bit delirious.

And it was cold in Michigan.

So I might have been that crazy mom who changed her children's diapers and clothes in the middle of the airport.  But in my defense, there was NOBODY there when I started, and about 100 planes got in while I was in the midst of it.

Sorry boys.

Mommy Kisses

Cute hat and WHOA mom's teeth.

SO happy my boys are home!!

NOT in love with the carseats

Me in the backseat - between the boys.

We were on our way home!  And so happy about it!!

We had been so great about bottles and feeding the whole plane ride.  Because that is what responsible parents do.

But, like an IDIOT, I wasn't thinking about the drive home.  Its only about a 40 minute drive, so I just wasn't thinking about if it fell over a feeding time.

Well, it did.

And I had no water for the bottles.

MOM FAIL.

So now they are in these carseats which probably feel like a death trap to them, and they are hungry.  And crying.  And there is horrible traffic.

So we pull over to get some water.  David runs in to buy water.

Its cold.

FREEZING cold.

And I tried to warm it up, but how?  So obviously the boys screamed and wouldn't drink the bottles.  I cannot blame them.

MOM FAIL again.

It was the worst car ride of my life.  And it went in slow motion.  But they both cried themselves to sleep (sorry boys!) and we made it home.  They woke up soon after we got home, and were all smiles, so I think they forgave and forgot my mom fails.

It has been so wonderful to be home with these boys.  We are slowly trying to get into a routine, and trying to sleep longer at night :)

I'm excited to start writing about my experiences as a mom.  This is a whole different world :)  These boys have brought out a whole new me.  Its a lot of fun, and I'm excited to share more of our amazing journey as a family with you!!

Bringing our boys Home

I'm embarrassed to say that I hardly took any pictures of our second trip.  The only thing I can tell you is that when you have twins, and there are two parents, you each ALWAYS have a baby in your arms.  Especially with our boys.  They did not want to be put down on a strange hard floor, with strange smells, and strange new toys and strange everything.  So I held a baby most of the time and rarely held my camera.  

I also wish I could tell you more about our second trip.  With the first trip, I broke it down, day by day.  but you see…. on that trip, I came back to the hotel room with just David each night and typed it up as we went.  

This time, there was NO down time to type and reflect.  Just time to hold babies, rock, panic, and rock babies some more.  

Its a blur really.  

A total blur. 

I feel like we were completely unprepared for how this trip would be.  Which is ridiculous because we had been preparing for this trip FOR EVER.

We got to Ethiopia in the morning, but our schedule didn't have us going to the orphanage until the next day.  We were jet lagged, but anxious to see the boys so we called Wass and he came to get us.  We got to spend the morning with the boys, and after that we went back to the hotel without them to sleep.  We were exhausted, and needed a good night's rest.  We slept all afternoon, woke up for dinner, and went back to sleep until morning.

The next day was our "gotcha day".  We drove to Hannah's Hope knowing we'd get to take our boys with us this time!  One of the other families (all of which were on their first trip to meet their children - and all of which were WONDERFUL) took video and pictures of this beautiful moment.  And its a good thing because I can't really remember how it went.  If I can figure out how to post those, I'll do it.  

And this is where it gets blurry.  

Seriously.

The rest of the trip all blends together, and went in SLOW MOTION.  I remember just wanting to be HOME with these little guys.  It was so tough being in a foreign country without our "own" baby stuff like bumbos and boppys and exersaucers and things like that.  

They didn't sleep. 

At all.

And David got sick.  

Nice.  

I'm thinking it was the jet lag, and the lack of sleep.  

Oh.  And we sort of forgot to eat on occasion.  

So we were in rough shape, trying to care for these perfect little beings, who deserved WAY better than two inexperienced brand new parents.

Our boys really hated our hotel room.  I sort of did too, so I can't blame them.  We were apart from the rest of the hotel building.  And it was quiet there.  Under most circumstances, that would be lovely.  But these little guys were used to the hustle and bustle of a very busy orphanage, where there were tons of other children, babies, special mothers, toys, and things to watch.  It was much more entertaining there than it was with us.

So we spent much of our time in a "banquet hall" in the hotel.  It was at the bottom of a stairwell that got a good amount of traffic, so it provided some much needed background noise and people watching for our boys.  But it was also pretty low key, so we could have time with our boys without feeling like we were put on display.

Oh.  And we could nap.

We were honestly just trying to survive the next couple days with very little sleep, two brand new babies, and each other.

We SO VERY MUCH wanted to be home with them, and feel like ourselves again.  (Little did we know - we would NEVER feel like "ourselves" again!  )

The boys did a pretty good job adjusting to life with 2 first time parents, and life in a hotel.  They ate a TON, which was probably very soothing for them.  They also refused to sleep.  Ever.

We were a little worried about that, but the director at the orphanage said not to worry, and they would sleep eventually.

So not true.

They slept in very small bursts throughout the night, and didn't nap during the day.  Which meant we didn't sleep either.

 Let me tell you… I was a vision.

We finally reached Thursday.  Departure day.  Its funny, because that day dragged on the most.  We didn't leave the hotel until the evening, but were ready to leave by 8:00am.  I'm pretty sure I looked at the clock every 5 minutes and willed it to be time to leave.

The silver lining of this trip is obvious.

These two little sweet hearts made all the sleepless nights and sickness worth it.  They were SO loved by all the hotel staff, and everyone that saw them.  Oh, and by us too :)  You cannot look at these boys and not think they are adorable.  And the best part was knowing that they were OURS.  To have forever.

We get to raise these boys.  And love them and cuddle them and teach them about the world.

So worth it.

SO SO worth it :)

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And right now its 2:40am.  We've been up for an hour and these two little guys are WIDE awake.  I just might blog about our plane trip home tonight too!

Two Weeks Home

Okay - first of all.

MY BOYS ARE NAPPING RIGHT NOW!!

At the same time.

This just doesn't happen, and it does beautiful things for my sanity.

I really LOVE blogging about this whole adoption process, but there is just NO time with two 8 month old boys at home.  Yes - today is their "8-month" birthday!  Happy Birthday babies!!

I can't believe we've been home for two weeks already.  Its such a busy whirlwind, and I'm pretty sure my house will never ever be clean again.  Its impossible to clean.  Or even pick up for that matter.  The second I put toys away, somebody is awake and needs some toys.  Once I put some bottles away, somebody needs one.

But honestly, I NEVER put bottles away.  They rotate from being dirty to being clean.  Then they sit on the counter until I need them again.  Which is pretty frequently.

These boys are the light of my life.  They are so smiley and giggly and SO easy to love.  They think I am hilarious, and I've been waiting for this kind of audience for a while now…

Motherhood is ridiculous.  It never stops.  These boys love to be held, so my arms are constantly sore.  These are no light weight newborns.  So watch out.  This summer it'll be "suns out, guns out" for me.  And they are filled with squeals, and cries and laughs and grunts.  They are hilarious.

And their personalities are amazing.  Kyrie is very strong willed.  When he wants food, he wants it NOW.  And he lets you know it.  He wakes up at 3:00am and just wants to hang out for an hour.  He laughs when I change his diaper, and loves squeaky toys more than anything.   He is also SO close to sitting by himself.  And his cheeks are so chubby and kissable I can't even stand it.

Kingston is such a lover.  Once he is asleep, he doesn't like to be put down.  With his eyes closed, he'll reach his hand up to touch my face.  Just to  make sure I'm still there.  And as much as I am tired and want to put him down in his crib, my heart melts and I hold him.  He makes the sucking motion with his mouth even after his bottle is gone, and its so cute.  He LOVES to kick his legs and splash in the bath.  He hates when I have to clean his runny nose.  And he has rolled over three times.  Not on purpose, but amazing none the less.

Everyone has always talked about how their sweet Ethiopian children are always freezing in the winter, and need to be bundled up.  But not our boys.  They are HOT little people.  The first time I bundled them up in these cute little fleece pants and vest.  No coat, but there is this snuggly thing on their car seats.  They screamed and cried and I couldn't figure out why.  When we got home, and I took them out of their seats, they were SO sweaty.  They stopped crying once I stripped them down to a clean onesie.  Now I took out the snuggly thing and don't put them in fleece and they are much happier.

Okay - I have maybe 10 minutes left before somebody wakes up, so I'm going to post some pictures and try to eat something.

Snuggling with Kingston

Dave loves to prop them on the couch because they look like little men

Happy boys playing in the morning

Already basketball fans

Apparently the picture isn't complete unless there are a pair of Jordan's in it.

Have a WONDERFUL Christmas everyone!  I have the best gifts ever already :)

Our Boys are HOME!!!

Okay - so we've been home since Friday night.  I KNOW that I need to blog about our trip and our amazing experiences with these sweet little boys so far.

But let me tell you friends.  Twin 7 month olds are a LOT of work!!  And there is very little sleep involved in this work!

Not that I didn't expect this…  But I literally have NO time to explore my creative juices and share with you the awesomeness of all we've been through in the last couple weeks.  Right now Kingston is wide awake at 6:00am.  I know. Not that bad.  But I've literally tried to type this small paragraph 3 times while playing with him.  He wants my full attention, and I cannot blame him, because I am a lot of fun.

Meanwhile, Kyrie is still sleeping.  Because that little turkey woke up at 3:00am and wanted to play for a couple hours.   WHAT?!

Oh yeah, and did I tell you our boys' names?  (Some of you smart little sleuths have already figured it out in this post….)

Kingston Paulos Wayne and Kyrie Weldemichael!  Right now they pretty much go by Paulos and Welde because that is what they know (their Ethiopian names).  But we're slowly calling them Kingston Paulos and Kyrie Welde.

Anyway - as a quick recap as to what I've been up to - there have been a billion diaper changes, one doctor's appointment equipped with a nebulizer prescription, too many diaper blow outs to count, lots of grunting, cooing, crying, and giggling (by the boys AND us), car seat melt downs, and chunky thighs stuck in bumbos.

I WILL be writing about our trip and our first days home.  What I can remember of them.  Because right now my life is a whirlwind.  I cannot even remember the last time I ate a meal, let alone what happened yesterday.

Also - here are some pictures of my ridiculously beautiful boys :)

Kyrie Weldemichael

Kingston Paulos Wayne

I'm so sorry for the choppiness and un literary genius that this post is.  Someday we'll be on a schedule here where little boys nap for more than 30 minutes :)  And where I shower and eat regularly.  Maybe then I'll be able to express myself better too :)

Airports

We left yesterday.  In the morning.

And now we're in Washington D.C. after a 24 hour layover.

We actually used a travel agent, and I really like him.  He signs his emails with weird little quirky comments like, "go - go - go, Mike."  It makes me giggle.

And when he first showed me this flight I thought it was ridiculous.  Why would I want to stay overnight in D.C. on my way to Ethiopia?  But he also showed us other options, and somehow we ended up choosing this one.  I think mostly because our trip home is SO much better, and with two little peanuts with us, that is what matters.  Who cares that we had to get all of our 6 pieces of luggage to a hotel, and then recheck it all this morning?  TOTALLY worth it for our flight home.  Plus we got a free cookie when we checked into the hotel, so there's that.

And even though I never have any trouble with security, my carry on bag was searched in Grand Rapids AND D.C.   Different bags each time.

In GR, My carry on had 2 refill pouch things of formula, and apparently they couldn't tell if it was liquid or powder. So they ran it through again after searching my bag.  Very politely, might I add.  (Thank you, security guy for pretending not to see my underpants in the top meshy part of my bag.)

So in D.C. I took those out to be scanned separately - like the guy told me to do in GR. In D.C. they also asked me to take out all my liquids.  So I pulled out my baggies (yes - MULTIPLE baggies) of liquids ranging from travel shampoo and toothpaste to hand sanitizer and mascara.   I was a little worried about this because I thought there might be a limit to how many baggies of liquids you could have, but the guy didn't say anything.  Even then my backpack needed to be searched.  ALSO very politely.  They weren't a fan of my bottles with liners.  Thought they had liquid in them.  They didn't.  Rescanned them and my backpack.  The bottles were fine, but my backpack was not.  After further digging we found YET ANOTHER baggie of liquids.  This time it was full of baby lotion, soap, hair lotion, etc. for the boys.  Oops.  Missed that one.  I got a firm shake of the head from the security guard.  Then an even more exasperated look from my husband - AS he walked passed me and pretended he wasn't with me.  Thanks love.  :)

Then we were cleared.  Now we're sitting at the airport - waiting to board in about an hour.

I can't wait :)

Baby Boys, Here we Come!!!

Monday night I woke up 14 times throughout the evening.

I was hoping with every last piece of my body that we'd get an email from the embassy.

But we didn't, and I went to work like a Zombie.  Multiple people asked me what the latest news was, and I gave a weak, "oh, we're not sure.  Could be any day now."

Then I went to bed Tuesday night.  And lets be honest.  I was still hoping.  But secretly I told myself that I was fine if we didn't get an email again.  About as fine as five year old would be with skipping presents on Christmas.

I've had this ridiculous anxiety in my tummy and would not be able to find a happy place until this email came.  But I told myself it was fine.

So I went to bed.

Then at 2:40 I woke up.  And I mean, why wouldn't I check my phone for an email at that hour?  (Anyone in the adoption world knows that 2:40am in Michigan is actually 9:40am in Ethiopia.)

And WOWZAS!!  It was an email from the embassy!  We were cleared to come get our boys!!  And our agency had already scheduled our embassy date.  Tuesday, December 6th.  I woke David up and said, "David!  Our babies are coming home!!"

And his response was the best ever.  He woke right up, and started fist pumping, and going "YES! YES! YES!"  But not loud.  In a shouty whisper, if you can imagine that.

Then we both sat up in bed and were wide awake for the next 2 hours.  We stressed about work, giggled about babies, planned what to pack, freaked out, realized we'd never sleep again, and then got sad about how we weren't sleepy right then.

Then we giggled some more, and went to bed with wide, ridiculous grins on our faces.

…..

And ever since then we've been in panic mode.  Packing wildly, imagining our lives with 2 babies, shoving diapers in every crevice of our carry ons, practicing our baby talk, and changing each others diapers.

Wait.

What?!

Its been a little wild.  We left this morning after only a few days notice and tried really hard to tie up all the loose ends between work and packing everything we need for ourselves and the boys.  Its been so fun, so stressful, and so exciting.

Hold on boys.  Mommy and Daddy are coming!!

The Last Day. The Hardest Day.

All day there was a pit in our stomach.  Because we knew what this day meant.  In fact, I've been trying to write about this day since we got home, and I haven't been able to.  Because the words just don't do our experience justice.

So I'll take a detour from all the hard parts for just a minute and just write about the day.

We got to be at the orphanage almost the whole day.  We got there around 9:30 and we got to stay until around 4:00.  So we packed some bottled waters, and some lunch food - yes, granola bars and trail mix were the lunch food.  And we were so busy with the boys we had to remind ourselves to eat even that.

On this day, we also got a tour of the entire Hannah's Hope orphanage.  Wass, our driver, gave us an amazing tour. He has such a vibrant personality, and gets along with everyone he crosses paths with.  And he LOVES those children.  It was especially sweet for us to see he had pictures of our boys on his phone.  David wrapped up P in the Moby wrap, and he slept through the whole tour.  W on the other hand, enjoyed every moment of the tour wide awake in my arms.  Which was fine with me too :)  Here are some pictures of the orphanage:

Amharic alphabet in the classroom. 

Spiderman walls in TV/eating room.

A random pile of injera in a kitchen. 

An injera cooker.  I am confident that is not what it is called.

Cooking some Shiro.  We tasted it.  Um.  YUMMY.

Good cooking…..

Some veggies and storage in a kitchen.

Older girls room.  So sweet.

Older boys room.  Love.

Nurses room.  Sadly, our boys have been in her more than I'm happy about.  And we measured them in here on this very bed thing.  They didn't like it.  

Another kitchen.  Used more for cleaning bottles, and less for cooking.  It was E-normous though.

One of the baby girl rooms.

One of the baby boy rooms.  

The sweet Turtle room where our boys reside.  

Chopping up some onions.  They said we could only take their picture of we brought it back for them on our second trip.  Check and check.

The staircase up to the babies' rooms.  My favorite place to go.

Hannah's Hope is a beautiful place.  There are amazing people there who love the children so unconditionally.  It is the perfect place for our boys to be cared for while we wait to bring them home.  I was glad we got to see all the ins and outs of it.

Throughout the day we got to spend time with just the four of us.  We hung out in one of the rooms that didn't have any children in it.  We hung out outside with just us.  We rocked our boys, and fed them bottles, and snuggled them.  We whispered promises to be back as soon as we could be back.  We cried at random moments throughout the day, knowing it would soon be ending.

We were told we could stay through bath time again.

Its my favorite time.  We bathed our boys, and got them snuggled in jammies and fed them their bottles.  We rocked them and kissed their sweet heads and told them again and again how much we loved them.

And we watched the clock.

We knew the time was coming.  We knew Wass would walk through the door soon and tell us it was time to go.

The room was more silent this day than any other.  Even though we were in the boys' room, with the special mothers, and all the other children that slept in that room.  There was no crying, or talking.  No loud movements.

Or maybe there was and I just cannot remember it.

Maybe I was so much in my own world that nothing else mattered.

Nothing else did.

I remember Dave left the room for some reason.  I can't tell you why.  To use the bathroom?  To find a Kleenex?  For water?  No idea.

But when he came back in, I knew by the look on his face that Wass found him.

And it was time.

I just shook my head at him.  No.  I can't.

I held my sweet little W in my arms a little tighter.  Thought about how I could get more time.  I looked around the room and thought about how I could stay here.  Sleep here.  Stay with my boys.

Panic set in.  How can I do this?  What mom leaves their children?  They need me.  I can't go.  I physically cannot go.

We were told not to cry and make a fuss when it was time to go.  That we didn't want our last experience with the boys to be one of anxiety and confusion for them.

And somehow knowing that I shouldn't cry, and needed to be calm in this moment of absolute loss made it so  much worse.  I tried to put on my big girl pants, but the tears just slipped out of my eyes.

They just kept sliding down my face, but I wasn't making any noise.  I wasn't crying.  This didn't count as crying, because I needed to be strong for my little guys.

I specifically remember my nose running, and although I can tell you with confidence that the Kleenex were right next to my rocking chair, I could not find one at the time.

Because I didn't see things. Or I couldn't focus on things, at least.  I just knew that my timer was getting closer and closer to zero and I didn't know how to say goodbye to these perfect little beings.  How do you say goodbye?

I kissed W and whispered I love you as he was taken by a special mother.  I went up to P, who was being held by another special mother and kissed his sweet forehead.  Told him I loved him.  Choked back my cries.

And walked out the door.

I couldn't even look back.  My heart was being torn out of my chest.

And David and I stood at the top of those stairs and just hugged each other and cried.  Our boys were just on the other side of the door but they already felt a million miles away.  And every step we took toward the van felt heavy and slow and wrong.

When we got to our hotel room, it felt empty.  And big.  And cold.  And I just laid on the bed, and David let me cry in his arms.

We packed our bags.  Tried to eat.  Prepared for our 11:00pm flight.

Sat on the bed.  Paced.  Got a drink.  Went down to the airport shuttle.

Numb.