Today my heart hurts. Like I can feel every beat, and there is this pain in my chest that won't go away.
I know why. I always feel a little yuck on August 14.
Because this is the day cancer took my dad away seven years ago.
And I didn't see it coming, but this year is just harder. I mean, I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Because his birthday (5 days ago) was okay. I made a peach pie, and celebrated his birthday with my brothers and their families. And it was bittersweet, but good to be with family. Liz made Cody (and baby Lily) this beautiful book about my dad, and it was shared. The cousins played. It was nice.
But today is not nice.
It just plain sucks.
I look at my precious boys, and I'm just so mad. I'm mad that my dad never got to meet them. And I'm mad that they are missing out on knowing their grandpa. I'm mad that so many people can cure their cancer, and my dad's took his life. I know that's not fair. It's great some cancer is curable. But my dad's wasn't, so I'm mad anyway. I'm mad there wasn't more time. I'm mad he never knew I wanted to adopt. He never knew David. I'm just so mad today.
Cancer is just not fair. And it hurts. So, so much.
I want him to pick up my boys. And love them. And tell me how they have his hair, and that they're going to be trouble one day because they are his grandsons, and he was trouble. I know he would love them. I know he would spoil them. And tickle them. And give them weird nicknames.
Today I'm mad to be missing all that. For my boys to be missing all of that. For my dad to be missing all that.
I'm 30 years old. I'm a grown up. I get that. But you know what? Today I just want my daddy.
I know why. I always feel a little yuck on August 14.
Because this is the day cancer took my dad away seven years ago.
And I didn't see it coming, but this year is just harder. I mean, I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Because his birthday (5 days ago) was okay. I made a peach pie, and celebrated his birthday with my brothers and their families. And it was bittersweet, but good to be with family. Liz made Cody (and baby Lily) this beautiful book about my dad, and it was shared. The cousins played. It was nice.
But today is not nice.
It just plain sucks.
I look at my precious boys, and I'm just so mad. I'm mad that my dad never got to meet them. And I'm mad that they are missing out on knowing their grandpa. I'm mad that so many people can cure their cancer, and my dad's took his life. I know that's not fair. It's great some cancer is curable. But my dad's wasn't, so I'm mad anyway. I'm mad there wasn't more time. I'm mad he never knew I wanted to adopt. He never knew David. I'm just so mad today.
Cancer is just not fair. And it hurts. So, so much.
I want him to pick up my boys. And love them. And tell me how they have his hair, and that they're going to be trouble one day because they are his grandsons, and he was trouble. I know he would love them. I know he would spoil them. And tickle them. And give them weird nicknames.
Today I'm mad to be missing all that. For my boys to be missing all of that. For my dad to be missing all that.
I'm 30 years old. I'm a grown up. I get that. But you know what? Today I just want my daddy.
4 comments:
Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way today. You are right, it's not fair that your dad was taken so soon.
I love you. For the past seven years and eight months I have wished there was SOMETHING...ANYTHING...that I could do.
But all I can do or say is
I LOVE YOU.
I am so sorry. Cancer SUCKS. THE. BIG. ONE.
Praying your find comfort in your beautiful baby boys' sweet smiles today.
And it's okay to be mad. Thinking of you.
I'm so sorry your boys' will never know their awesome grandfather. I'm sure you'll do everything you can to keep him alive for them. Thinking of you today!
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