Well, lets be honest about something right off the bat. I'm a little bit crazy in every aspect of my life.
Exhibit A: The Dishwasher.
I love that David takes care of his dishes and loads the dishwasher, but I almost always take the dishes out and redo it… the "right way". You don't have to tell me how ridiculous this is.
Exhibit B: The Car Seat.
If you are not me, and you strap my boys into the car seat, I'll double check it. Not because I don't trust you, but because I'm a little bit crazy and just need to make sure. Most of the time I even find a way that David did it wrong. "This needs to be tighter here. You didn't put the bar up so he can see his toys. Make sure this is on his chest. This is twisted."
Exhibit C: Holding my Children.
I won't let you.
Actually, I'm serious about this one, and people usually think I'm not. I've been known to snatch my child out of the hands of an unsuspecting friend who innocently picked up one of my boys to say hello. And when people say, "Can I hold him?" clearly expecting me to hand a baby over, I say, "No, sorry."
And even people who understand (or act like they understand) our cocooning process make comments like, "Really? Still? For how long?" or "I think they know by now."
So I'd like to share a little insight as to why I am the way I am. And why I will protect my boys and their needs no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or you.
In their short year of life, my boys have lived in four different places, two different countries, and had MULTIPLE care givers. I don't know too much about the first months of their lives, but I know they spent seven months with others, and four of those months were in two different orphanages before coming home with us. They were held by many different woman who cared for them, and were happy with all of them. They didn't fuss when somebody new held them. Even David and I for the first time. They didn't have stranger anxiety because a new person picking them up was the story of their lives.
Friends, this is not a healthy life for an infant. Babies need families. They need to know there will always be somebody (mom and dad) there to provide for them. It gives them a sense of security and a bond with their family. Thank goodness there are orphanages for children who are in need of a home. But it is not ideal. Not at all. And it doesn't promote healthy family attachment.
When we first came home, we spent the first three months in the house with little journeys out and few guests. Just close friends and family. And David and I were the only ones to hold, feed, change and provide basic needs for our boys.
We feel so lucky to have these boys as our own. We have come a long way in the last few months and they clearly know who mom and dad are. It melts my heart when one of my boys reaches his arms out to me with a little squeal.
Seriously. It's the best thing ever.
But that doesn't mean we close the door to cocooning. Attachment is a process. And it's a long one. It's a road we'll be walking as a family the rest of our lives.
Friends and family, I know that this may hurt you. But I don't want my child to be completely comfortable in your arms. I want them to find that comfort in MY arms. And David's. And for most biological children, this comes natural. With adoption, children need to learn that mom and dad are the ones who comfort. It's not just anyone (like it had been in their past).
We're at the point now where our family members are holding the boys. And while I think it is healthy, I still struggle with it a bit. The attachment and bonding process has been beaten into our heads so strongly, and it is such an important process. I'm constantly watching their every move for anxiety, or discomfort so I can swoop in and take them back. And at the same time, trying to fight that urge to do so.
So bear with me.
You might not get to hold my boys when you think it is the appropriate time. Or you might think I'm too over bearing. But if I think it is what is best for my boys, I'm going to do it. And I really, really appreciate your support.
And if you think I'm a little crazytown (which you very well might), then strap yourself in, because I'm only in the beginning of my parenting journey. And chances are, there is a whole lot more crazy coming down the line.
9 comments:
This is my favorite line:
"I will protect my boys and their needs no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or you."
Yes.
They are your boys and you are their momma.
Other people's feelings simply do not matter. What matters is what is best for them and your family.
Get it, sister.
BRAVO!!!! What you are doing for your boys is so important! Well done! :)
I wish we could hang out. From one totally crazy mama to another, I think you are doing a great job! Attachment isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.
LOOOOVE this post!! Do you mind if I copy/paste it as a guest post on my blog? Email/FB message me if that's ok!
SO proud of you friend!
So agree and love it!!!!!!!!!!!!! So not crazy about the dishwasher.
You're their mom and you know what is best. As you said, people might not understand because of the diffrent circumstances - but you are right to stand up for yourself and your little family and tell people no. And you shouldn't have to explain yourself either.
Okay my sweet.
You are totally bonkers.
F'reals.
But I love it.
I don't parent the way you do, but I think you are super funny -- even if you don't mean to be. You are entitled to parent the way you want to, but I encourage you to TRY not to put your stuff onto your kids. There is a great book called THE BLESSING OF A SKINNED KNEE by some dude whose name I can't remember because maybe he's a chick. ;-)
It is really important to (eventually) let go of those little people and trust that the universe has got 'em. Or else how will they ever climb trees or learn to swim or go to school.
You do want them to do these things, right?
Meanwhile, you are totally hot, and I'm jealous that your hair is so perfect and do you always look like that.
But you have to chill a little -- try to start with the dishwasher -- or else you are all going to be on some serious anti-anxiety medication.
Fabulous honest post.
Renee~I don't know who you are; but obviously you have never met MacKenzie, because the last thing MacKenzie is, is a mother who is anxious or hoovering over her children. It's sad that someone out in blogger world can post that she doesn't want to tell someone how to raise her children, then proceed to do just that. It is apparently you didn't understand her post, if you did, you wouldn't have told her she needs to be on medication. MacKenzie was talking about her life as a mother of twin children who are adopted. How many children do you have? Are they adopted? How many books on adoption have you read?
I am MacKenzie's mother-in-law. She is the best new mother I have ever met. She and my son are doing everything possible to bond with these precious children. That was what the post was about.
Please stop voicing your parenting advice on people you don't know. When you do you sound like an idiot.
I know this is an old blog post but I've just stumbled across it. My two thoughts:
1) I love how confident you are in your parenting. You've got this and you don't care if people are happy about it.
2) You have an AMAZING mother in law :)
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