The Last Day. The Hardest Day.

All day there was a pit in our stomach.  Because we knew what this day meant.  In fact, I've been trying to write about this day since we got home, and I haven't been able to.  Because the words just don't do our experience justice.

So I'll take a detour from all the hard parts for just a minute and just write about the day.

We got to be at the orphanage almost the whole day.  We got there around 9:30 and we got to stay until around 4:00.  So we packed some bottled waters, and some lunch food - yes, granola bars and trail mix were the lunch food.  And we were so busy with the boys we had to remind ourselves to eat even that.

On this day, we also got a tour of the entire Hannah's Hope orphanage.  Wass, our driver, gave us an amazing tour. He has such a vibrant personality, and gets along with everyone he crosses paths with.  And he LOVES those children.  It was especially sweet for us to see he had pictures of our boys on his phone.  David wrapped up P in the Moby wrap, and he slept through the whole tour.  W on the other hand, enjoyed every moment of the tour wide awake in my arms.  Which was fine with me too :)  Here are some pictures of the orphanage:

Amharic alphabet in the classroom. 

Spiderman walls in TV/eating room.

A random pile of injera in a kitchen. 

An injera cooker.  I am confident that is not what it is called.

Cooking some Shiro.  We tasted it.  Um.  YUMMY.

Good cooking…..

Some veggies and storage in a kitchen.

Older girls room.  So sweet.

Older boys room.  Love.

Nurses room.  Sadly, our boys have been in her more than I'm happy about.  And we measured them in here on this very bed thing.  They didn't like it.  

Another kitchen.  Used more for cleaning bottles, and less for cooking.  It was E-normous though.

One of the baby girl rooms.

One of the baby boy rooms.  

The sweet Turtle room where our boys reside.  

Chopping up some onions.  They said we could only take their picture of we brought it back for them on our second trip.  Check and check.

The staircase up to the babies' rooms.  My favorite place to go.

Hannah's Hope is a beautiful place.  There are amazing people there who love the children so unconditionally.  It is the perfect place for our boys to be cared for while we wait to bring them home.  I was glad we got to see all the ins and outs of it.

Throughout the day we got to spend time with just the four of us.  We hung out in one of the rooms that didn't have any children in it.  We hung out outside with just us.  We rocked our boys, and fed them bottles, and snuggled them.  We whispered promises to be back as soon as we could be back.  We cried at random moments throughout the day, knowing it would soon be ending.

We were told we could stay through bath time again.

Its my favorite time.  We bathed our boys, and got them snuggled in jammies and fed them their bottles.  We rocked them and kissed their sweet heads and told them again and again how much we loved them.

And we watched the clock.

We knew the time was coming.  We knew Wass would walk through the door soon and tell us it was time to go.

The room was more silent this day than any other.  Even though we were in the boys' room, with the special mothers, and all the other children that slept in that room.  There was no crying, or talking.  No loud movements.

Or maybe there was and I just cannot remember it.

Maybe I was so much in my own world that nothing else mattered.

Nothing else did.

I remember Dave left the room for some reason.  I can't tell you why.  To use the bathroom?  To find a Kleenex?  For water?  No idea.

But when he came back in, I knew by the look on his face that Wass found him.

And it was time.

I just shook my head at him.  No.  I can't.

I held my sweet little W in my arms a little tighter.  Thought about how I could get more time.  I looked around the room and thought about how I could stay here.  Sleep here.  Stay with my boys.

Panic set in.  How can I do this?  What mom leaves their children?  They need me.  I can't go.  I physically cannot go.

We were told not to cry and make a fuss when it was time to go.  That we didn't want our last experience with the boys to be one of anxiety and confusion for them.

And somehow knowing that I shouldn't cry, and needed to be calm in this moment of absolute loss made it so  much worse.  I tried to put on my big girl pants, but the tears just slipped out of my eyes.

They just kept sliding down my face, but I wasn't making any noise.  I wasn't crying.  This didn't count as crying, because I needed to be strong for my little guys.

I specifically remember my nose running, and although I can tell you with confidence that the Kleenex were right next to my rocking chair, I could not find one at the time.

Because I didn't see things. Or I couldn't focus on things, at least.  I just knew that my timer was getting closer and closer to zero and I didn't know how to say goodbye to these perfect little beings.  How do you say goodbye?

I kissed W and whispered I love you as he was taken by a special mother.  I went up to P, who was being held by another special mother and kissed his sweet forehead.  Told him I loved him.  Choked back my cries.

And walked out the door.

I couldn't even look back.  My heart was being torn out of my chest.

And David and I stood at the top of those stairs and just hugged each other and cried.  Our boys were just on the other side of the door but they already felt a million miles away.  And every step we took toward the van felt heavy and slow and wrong.

When we got to our hotel room, it felt empty.  And big.  And cold.  And I just laid on the bed, and David let me cry in his arms.

We packed our bags.  Tried to eat.  Prepared for our 11:00pm flight.

Sat on the bed.  Paced.  Got a drink.  Went down to the airport shuttle.

Numb.

Our Day At Court

November 1.

Our court date.

We had been praying for this day for months.  Even before we knew when it would be.  And it was here.

We woke up early and showered and got ready.  We didn't really talk much.  Asked the front desk for an iron because our 'nice' clothes were in rough shape.
Sat on the bed.
Paced to the bathroom.

Checked the time.

Took a drink of water.

Finally it was time to go to the lobby and wait for our driver.  We got in the car with the other family and started some nervous chatter.  Would our MOWA letter be there?  We didn't even want to think about it, for fear of a let down.  We commented on the beautiful capital of Ethiopia.  There were people EVERYWHERE.  In the streets, on the sidewalks, in the median.  Everywhere.

We drove on a two lane road.  Four cars deep.  It was crazy driving like Chicago.  Only minus the road rage.  Cars just squeezed wherever there was room, and kept trucking along.  I winced in preparation for a side swipe more than once.  But we managed through every time.

This is an area where people were training, running, and playing soccer.

A Primary school we drove past.

The Court building.

Then we pulled up to this ambiguous building.  And headed in.  Haille (pronounced Highly - and probably spelled wrong by me) was our "representative" at court.  He bounded up the 4 or 5 flights of stairs like it was nothing.  I huffed and puffed like we were at some rediculous altitude.

Oh wait.  We were.  Addis is at 7500 feet.

And seriously.  I was out of breath after the first flight.

Breaking a SWEAT.  Which is just how I wanted to make my debut at court.

Nice.

We got to the little square room. It had some bench/chairs around the perimeter of the room.  There were two seats next to each other and Haille motioned for us to sit.  I sat there analyzing our situation.  Would the judge hate us?  Would we be sitting here for hours?  Would the judge be tired and cranky by the time we went in? Where was the judge?  Was Haille listening to the people calling out names/numbers or random words in Amharic?

He didn't look like it.  He was just chillin' with another 'rep' in the room.  But then some lady said some random thing (or probably not so random - it was in Amharic, so what do I know?) and Haille jumped up and looked at us and said our boys names with question in his voice.  We said "yes!" and followed him.  When we got into the judges chambers (would I even call it that? It was just a room with two desks and some chairs) she requested the other family from our agency come in as well.  We sat in the long bowling alley type room.  The judge spoke English and asked us some questions about the adoption.

I typed below what I remember from the conversation.  This isn't exactly how it went, but pretty close.  It was very surreal.  I feel like I was floating in the room watching myself.  I was so worried she would ask me for a detailed explanation, and my mind just wouldn't have worked.  I'm so glad she stuck to yes or no questions.

Have you met the boys? Yes.

Have you been educated about transracial families? Yes.

Are you planning to teach your children about Ethiopian culture? Yes.

Once this adoption is final, there is no turning back.  You cannot change your mind.  They will be yours.  Are you sure you want to go through with this?  YES! YES! YES!

It is final.  They are yours.

My eyes tear up just remembering those amazing, life changing words.  

I could have wet my pants.

I DIDN'T.  But I could have.  It was one of the happiest moment of my life.   I think I walked around with my mouth agape and my eyes wet the rest of the day.

Our boys are OURS.  Legally.  For always.  We're a family.  

They are my sons.  

And I'm a mom.  Officially and for keeps.

BEST.  DAY.  EVER.

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We were done so quickly, even Haille was surprised.  He said people are never done that early.  I think we may have been the first people in there.  We only waited in the square room for about 10 minutes.  So then we went shopping.  Is there a better way to celebrate the best news I've ever gotten?  

Donkeys.  I loved all the animals all over the streets.  

This is where we shopped.  

We dropped off Haille and our driver took us to the "shopping area".   There were tons of little shops.  They all had a lot of the same things, and many different things too.  Most of what we bought is for the boys.  We found so many treasures for them!  We are going to give them these treasures over the years.  I want to give it all to them right away, but they are for different ages.  And what 6 month old boy needs a Africa shaped chess board with hand carved pieces?  Or Mancala?  Or puzzles in the shape of Ethiopia?  I guess they can wait.  And what a fun way for them to be reminded of their culture throughout the years!  But who am I kidding?  They'll turn 5 and I'll give them everything that is left.  I won't be able to wait, and I'll want them to get some serious use out of their Ethiopian treasures.  

On the right of this picture are some of the shops.

David - in one of the shops. 

 I wish that we could have bought them so much more.  There were so many things we ended up not buying and regretting.  We'll see what the second trip brings.  I could send David out on his own to pick up some things, but that means I'll be on my own with the boys too.  Which is a little scary right now.  So we'll see how I function with no sleep and two bundles of joy.

Both of us - read below to learn about my ridiculous expression...

This picture was taken by one of the shop owners.  He was having a little trouble with the camera.  I kept leaning forward to help him, but then he'd point and click, so I'd hop back to be in the picture.  Then it wouldn't work because he wasn't holding down the button, so I'd lean in again to help, and he'd point, and I'd hop back.  We did this dance for about 5 minutes.  Then he got it.  This is my hopping back and trying to look natural in the process pose.

I failed at looking natural.

We went to lunch, and then got to spend the rest of the afternoon with our boys at Hannah's Hope.

This was especially amazing, because we were now an official family.  David and I whispered the good news in their ears as they slept.  And we cried in the realization that our family was all together for just a short while longer.  They had no idea how huge this day was for our family.  But I like to think that as we whispered the great news to them, they were dreaming about our family together.

A family of four.   And though there are miles between us right now, our love for those boys holds them close to our hearts all the time.

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Have I mentioned how much I miss them?  My heart aches with the thought of them so far away from me.  I have physical pain inside my heart.  I want nothing more than to kiss them and snuggle them again.

I've been putting off writing about our last day at Hannah's Hope because that day was so hard.  I can't express the feelings in words.

But I'll do my best.  Coming soon...

Our Second Day of Bliss

First of all… David and I both woke up with sore arms today and couldn't figure out why.  Oh yeah.  We held our boys ALL DAY LONG.  And although we have ridiculously toned and muscular arms, we simply weren't conditioned for this type of training :)  But it was definitely worth the pain!

On this day we had to go to Hannah’s Hope to have a meeting with Almaz, the director at Hannah’s Hope.  We had to fill out and talk about embassy paperwork.  That in itself is a miracle, because the night before we left for Ethiopia - at about 10:30pm - David and I realized we didn't actually have this important piece of paperwork. 


So naturally I went into panic mode.  I emailed every AGCI friend I have to see if they could tell me what this was.  And then, nearly in tears, I called our case worker on the “bat phone”.  You know - her after hours cell phone used only for Ethiopia travel emergencies.  And the worst part was I said, “sorry I’m calling you on the bat phone.”  Yes.  I actually said ‘bat phone’ to her.  I’m such a dork.

Anyway, we got that cleared up at around 11:00pm.  Then we notarized those suckers on our way to the airport and had them packed and ready to go.

So... back to Ethiopia.  We had a meeting with Almaz about court (the following day) and then embassy.  And we filled out the paperwork.  

When we walked in, Almaz was holding M, the sweet little boy of the other couple we were traveling with.  She handed him right over to his mom.  And I shot secret daggers of jealousy at her.  Because our boys were not in that room.  I tried my best to listen, but all I could think about was how I wanted my boys with me.  

One of the Infant Girl Rooms - I know this is random, but I wanted to include some pictures...

One of the infant boy rooms.

About halfway through the meeting, Almaz stopped mid-sentence and said, “Do you want to go get your boys?”  Um.  YEAH!  I raced out of the room, leaving David to soak in any information that I missed and went out to the courtyard where the babies were.  I walked up to one of the special mothers who was with my boys. I hadn't actually met her yet, so I'm sure she was a little apprehensive about me. Especially because I probably had a little bit of the crazy eyes going on as I raced up to my boys.  I can only hope that based on my smooching and crooning and maternal glow, she figured out who I was.  I scooped up our two little peanuts and carried them inside.  

We continued with our meeting as two happy little campers with sweet boys in our arms.  I can honestly say I paid much less attention to what I was actually filling out, and more to the package of baby giggles on my lap.  


Afterwards, we went to hang out with the rest of the babies. At one point we went into the "living room" where the special mothers were with the rest of the babies.  They were singing, and clapping, and one of them was dancing.  It was the most beautiful thing I've ever walked in on.  Its exactly the kind of loving play I want for my sweet boys while I can't be there to sing, clap and dance for them.  The special mother that was dancing was embarrassed, and quit dancing when we walked in, but they continued to sing and clap.  The children LOVED it.  Loved it.  I only wish I could have all their songs on a CD for my boys to grow up listening to.  


You just have no idea how badly I want to post pictures of our boys here so you can admire how handsome and perfectly beautiful they are.  But for now you'll have to settle for this darling picture of Dave holding little W's hand while he feeds him a bottle.  Melt. My. Heart.

When it was time to leave, our driver came to get us.  We'd been strategically staying out of his line of sight in hopes of getting to stay longer.  Leaving was always so hard, but we knew we got to come back the next day.  I was always excited to go back to the hotel and go to bed because morning meant holding my boys again.


We went to a REAL Ethiopian restaurant for dinner, and it was AMAZING.  We'd had Ethiopian food many times before, and we really enjoy it.  But this was by far the best Ethiopian food we've ever had.  It was also accompanied by some wonderful singing and dancing representing different regions of Ethiopia. 

Outside the restaurant.

My handsome groom.

The Menu 

Seating area.  Goat skinned chairs around traditional Ethiopian table.

Tej - Ethiopian honey wine

Washing our hands before we eat.

Our food.  I can't even tell you how good this was. 

Musicians.  

Our food after we demolished it.  We ate until we were no longer comfortable. 

Traditional Ethiopian coffee ceremony.

We got to the hotel and crashed.  We were so exhausted from the big day, and we knew we had court in the morning.  It was hard to fall asleep, but could not WAIT to find out how court would go.  I was secretly hoping we would pass court, but David wasn't planning on it.  He's always the logical one when it comes to things like this.  But I'm pretty sure we both went to bed with our fingers crossed for great news.  

Love at First Sight - Day 1

Today was the day we had been waiting for for months.  And it was the perfect day.  Everything about it was absolutely perfect.  

And I fell in love.  A little hole in my heart, that I didn’t even realize was there, was filled today.   By two amazing little boys.  

We drove the bumpy rode to Hannah’s Hope.  I was a bucket full of tears.  I knew this day was finally here and I would get to hold two perfect little bundles.  

Dave and I in the van.  Super pumped.

We drove up to the gates and honked the horn.  There was bunch of sweet children to greet us.  They were all yelling and chanting.  Later we found out they were chanting "farengi" which is the word for foreigner or white people.  Which we totally are.  Then we got out of the van and saw all the babies outside.  I wanted to run my little britches over there, but we were led into a building instead.  

Luckily we were only there about 20 seconds for some introductions when we were asked if we wanted to see the babies.  Which of course we did.  We went right out there, and I saw little W.  So sweet as can be.  I went up to him and the Special Mother handed him off to me.  I could tell he was a little anxious about it because he started breathing all funny and fast, but no tears.  I held him for about a minute and asked Dave if he wanted to hold him but then another Special Mother walked up with P and David took him right away.  It was so wonderful!  Their perfect little selves finally in our arms.  I can’t even describe what it felt like.  It was everything good and wonderful all at once.

David holding sweet little W's hand.

When the babies nap at Hannah's Hope, the special mothers put a blanket on them as they're falling asleep.  Totally covering their face and everything!!  I was constantly moving the blanket away from their little mouths and noses.  It was definitely a routine they were used to though, and it gives them comfort.  They'd go right to sleep, usually.  So good to know the little things the Special Mothers do that I can do at home for the boys too!

And the whole day we got to spend rocking, feeding and playing with our boys.  They slept in our arms, and giggled, and smiled.  It was amazing.  And then the most wonderful thing happened.  We got to give them a bath.  This was the most incredible part of my day.  As a first time mom, I really had no idea what I was doing.  The Special Mothers know limited English, but they were so patient and kind in showing me how they bathe the sweet boys.  I bathed W, and lotioned him up, and put him in his jammies.  David got to do the same with P.  It was the most intimate and special moment between us, and our boys, and the woman who care for them and love them so much.  It was incredible.

P's Crib.

W's crib.

They're in the "turtle room".

Then it was time to go. Which was hard, but we know we get to see those little honeys in the morning.  

We came back to the hotel and had a very late lunch of delicious Ethiopia food at the hotel restaurant, and uploaded some pictures and video.  Cannot WAIT until I get to hold my boys again tomorrow.

Arrival in Ethiopia

Um.

The plane rides were horrible.  

Not bumpy or anything, JUST. SO. LONG.

It is so stinkin' hard to sit in a plane seat for that long.  And all I could think about was how we would manage with two little bundles of perfect on our laps.

When we got to the airport in Ethiopia we had to get Visas, and then go through customs.  That ended up being a little hectic, but WAY easier than in Chicago.  After waiting in line to get our paperwork checked out, we basically just stuck our bags/totes through this X-ray machine and picked them up on the other side.  Done and done.

Then we walked out the door and found the guy holding our names written on a piece of paper.  Can I say that I've ALWAYS wanted to have somebody holding my name on a piece of paper after getting off a plane?  But it was very anti-climactic because I walked right by the guy.  Good thing Dave saw him.

We loaded up the van and were on our way.  The drive was a little wild.  At one moment, some guy ran out in front of the van and we were 1 millimeter away from hitting him.  It was so weird.  Almost like he was joking around with is friends because we were the only car around, and there is no way he didn't see us coming.  There were no blind spots or hills or anything.  Luckily our driver brought his A game.  We slammed on our breaks and missed him.  And my heart was beating wildly.

We couldn't really see anything because it was late and really dark.  But lets just say that we knew we weren't in Kansas (er…. Michigan) anymore.

We got to the hotel and weren't sure what to do.  It was dark, but it wasn't really nighttime according to our biological clocks.  But… we had just had the worst sleep ever on the planes, so we were sort of tired.

We tried to sleep and did our best not to stay up and giggle about the fun to come in the morning :)

In Frankfurt, Germany.  Tired.

David, looking much more chipper than me.

Yes, we were THOSE people with the neck things.  But those neck things SAVED us!

We're in Ethiopia!!  We made it!  We're in line for our Visas.